Getting out of bed

Thursday morning, we called to check on our embryo and to find out when we should come in for the transfer - unfortunately, the embryologist informed us that the egg didn't fertilize. She did say that they would continue to watch it for another 24hrs just to be sure. This morning she confirmed the results and said the cycle was canceled. 

What a blow. I had such a good feeling about this cycle. For one, it was a natural cycle so my body wouldn't be all jacked up on hormones and might be more willing to accept the embryo. Then there is the old saying - third time's a charm! (I'll grasp onto anything at this point.) But mostly, I thought about the wonderful outpouring of support and love we have received. I was thinking of all the candles being lit. Of all the prayers and positive energy being sent our way. I asked people to take time out of their lives to hold space for our baby to be - surely the universe wouldn't disappoint.  

And yet, there I lay, sobbing in my bed after hearing the news from the embryologist. I cried and Jason held me. After awhile, I stopped crying and Jason got up to make us smoothies. I was sad and angry and trying to make sense of why this was happening. I proceeded to lay in bed and read my book, cry, and wonder what will happen if we never get pregnant. I got out of bed when Jason made us lunch and cleaned the dishes after (so I didn't feel completely worthless) and then hopped right back in bed and proceeded to repeat the mornings activities - read, cry, wonder. Late in the afternoon I decided to get out of bed and shower - my heart was tired and my body hurt from all the laying around. You would think after doing nothing all day I would have a lot of energy to burn but I just felt exhausted. I needed to get out of the house so we decided to go to the movies. I ended the day with some heart nurturing yoga and vowed that tomorrow I would get out of bed.

I realize that yesterday wasn't filled with a lot of nothing - it was filled with a lot of grieving. Jason says he feels disappointed about this cycle but remains hopeful and I vacillate between feeling completely hopeless and feeling like no matter what happens, I will be ok.  I am not ready to completely give up on my dream of being pregnant and becoming a mother but I also feel like I need to prepare myself for that possibility.

I feel the need to end this post on a positive note so that it is not so depressing for others to read, so that people don't feel uncomfortable, so that I can project this strong image of myself but I feel sad and depressed and I do want to crawl back in bed. Honestly, this blog has become a way for me to process my emotions and this is where I am right now. However, I will keep my vow to not crawl back into bed. 

I can't say thank you enough for all the love and support we have received. Each and every comment, message, phone call, and text are greatly appreciated.

xo - katherine

Light a candle

We had 2 ultrasounds this week and were told we had 2 follicles from our natural (un-medicated) cycle. We were thrilled! This morning we went in for the egg retrieval. I found out upon arrival that it would be done while I was awake - read, no anesthesia. Yikes! Upon entering the procedure room I told the doctor I was scared and then I started crying. The procedure started out with  a vaginal wash (fyi - it is totally weird having someone wash your vagina inside and out, especially when they squirt water up there). The doctor then inserted the vaginal ultrasound probe (with a retractable needle!!!) and the real procedure began. The sweet nurse that speaks no English came over and held my hand while I looked at the ultrasound screen. I felt a stick and squealed as I watched the black space mostly disappear on the screen. Then she poked several times (OUCH!) at the remaining black space and seemed to struggle - the whole thing lasted maybe 1 minute. She said the tissue was abnormal and there was no follicle - it was a cyst. A little lost in translation - I thought for about 30 seconds that there was nothing at all, as in it was all abnormal. So I cried harder. Then the sweet nurse excitedly repeated what the embryologist announced (I can only assume as she was speaking Czech) and the doctor translated to say that she retrieved one egg from the first follicle. Relief. Then, I proceeded to sob. The doctor asked if I was in pain; I said no, I just really want to have a baby.

So now we wait. This whole process has felt like a lot of anxious, emotional waiting. Waiting to see if I have eggs, waiting to see if they fertilize, waiting to see if they develop normally, waiting to see if I am pregnant. It is all completely out of my control, there is nothing I can do. I was FaceTiming with my sister-in-law, Elaine, and she asked if she could light a candle and say a little prayer to the Patron Saint of Infertility, St Anthony - that way she felt like she was doing something - I said, yes please!! We decided to copy her idea (even though we are not Catholic) and light a candle and send a little wish off. So, if you have time, light a candle and hold space for our baby to be.

xo - katherine

ps - expect a blog update soon on our most recent travels to Germany, France, Belgium and the Netherlands.

Nope.

Not pregnant. Again. 

The doc wants to give my body a break from all the hormones so we'll do a "natural" IVF cycle. This means that I won't take any hormones but they will still go in a retrieve any follicles I produce and go through the whole fertilization/embryo transfer process. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm being bombarded by babies and happy parents. On our last 3 trains we shared a 4 seater with these parents and smiling, cooing, and fussy babies. I am truly so happy for the pregnant women in my life and yet I am jealous. I want it to be me. I know everyone says be patient, this will happen, your time will come, blah blah blah. Don't get me wrong, I love the support but I am over the heartache. 

I might be akin to the crazy cat lady... I bought a sweet onesie in Prague and these adorable baby socks while we were on the northern coast of France - they say J'❤️ Papa and J'❤️ Maman. Jason just smiles and tells me they're adorable. 

xo - katherine

Waiting and waiting.

Our little blastocyst.

A video showing the normal development of an embryo, not mine.

On Saturday, we retrieved 3 eggs. 

On Sunday we found out 2 were immature and the third fertilized. We were told to call on Monday at 8am to find out what time the transfer would be that day. 

On Monday our one embryo was only 3 cells and we were told that it was not developing fast enough and to call back on Tuesday. They said it was a grade 2 embryo (grade 1 is the best). 

Tuesday we were told that the embryo was still growing but only at 5 cells so to call back on Wednesday but we would not transfer until Thursday. 

On Wednesday we called and were told that the embryo was 8 cells but that it should be 16 cells by now. It had started to compact which was a good sign. They said it was bordering between a grade 2 and 3 - not a good sign. The embryologist did say that embryos can repair themselves and go on to develop into healthy babies. She also mentioned that we may not transfer until Friday... 

This morning I called and she said - I have good news! - it is in the early stages of a blastocyst so we will transfer today. What a relief! This means that we have a chance to become pregnant this cycle. The blastocyst is still bordering between a 2 and a 3 but many healthy babies have born with this grading.

The waiting has been so hard!!! It is all hard.  I already feel so attached to this glob of cells. I want them to grow and develop into a tiny human. There are moments (or long periods of time) where I feel like I will never become a mother, where I feel the darkness creeping in, where I let the doubt take over. My modus operandi is to shut down and put up walls in order to not feel. Many of you know that I have experienced the loss of both of my parents. My mother was murdered when I was 8 - an unsolved murder - though a serial killer is suspected, it is a cold case. And my father died when I was 18 and the cause of his death has been questioned. I am not sure if I could have done anything differently during that time - shutting down was an act of self preservation. I had to be strong to get through. Now though, I have so many loving people in my life that I can let those walls down without fear of being swallowed up by the darkness. It does not come naturally to me however. It actually feels quite uncomfortable at times. I will confess that I am emotionally stunted and often revert to acting like an 8 year old. But there are people in my life that love me in spite of these faults and continually help show me what it means to love and be loved. Several women came to mind while I was waiting for the embryo retrieval on Saturday - Rachel from Camp Glen Arden, Kimi from boarding school, and Cheryl from Prescott. I am not in close contact with these women today but for some reason I am still surrounded by the love they showed me all those years ago. 

I want so badly to be a mother - there are many reasons why and one of them is wanting to know what the love of a mother feels like. I don't have real memories of my mother but I am told that she loved me very much. It feels like being a mother will complete the circle. That I will somehow know her love for me by feeling love for my own child. If the love I feel for a glob of cells is any indication of what is to come, it is quite possible that my heart might explode.

After the phone call this morning, Jason went for a run and I listened to a few guided meditations and practiced yoga to help prepare my body. One of the meditations asked me to picture in my mind's eye our family after the birth. I could see us so clearly - Jason, myself and our baby. I will hold that image with me and believe that it will be. I could not do this without Jason, he loves me so much - even all jacked up on hormones. 

And now, we wait some more. 2 weeks to be exact. Hopefully northern France will be a good distraction. From there, I think we will head to Denmark by way of Belgium and the Netherlands. First though, we will spend 2 days in Frankfurt so Jason can take his test for his radiographer registry.

Send all the good energy you can to our little blastocyst in my uterus (I have created a song where blastocyst and uterus rhyme - it is quite catchy.)

xo - katherine

p.s. Our long term visa application was approved! We waited to apply until we were in Europe. A bit risky but that's our style.

The folli update, a heat wave, and the bone church.

We had an ultrasound at 3pm today to see how the little follicles are growing. The doctor was able to see 2 decent sized follicles as well as a third smaller one.  Hopefully that means there will be a few more to extract on Saturday. From there, I think that we will go with the same plan as before - to do a fresh transfer of the fertilized embryo(s). There is a lot of research surrounding a fresh transfer versus a frozen transfer. For one, those that survive the freezing/thawing process are heartier embryos but also some research shows that it is best to perform the transfer the next cycle so that your body isn't inundated with hormones. My doctor has felt with my poor response to medications that the embryo has the best chance of surviving in my uterus. We will wait and see how many are extracted and of those how many fertilize and make a decision from there. Trying to remain hopeful and not stress out. Fingers crossed.

Several things seems to be causing me a bit of discomfort/anxiety/stress this cycle: 1. It is HOT 2. I have had a headache every single day (must be from the medications?) 3. I am exhausted (also from the medications?) 4. Did I mention the heat 5. Lack of exercise 6. I lost my remote, part-time job (STRESSFUL!!).

Our flat manages to not get too hot during the day - maybe up to 26C (79F) and the temp out side is about 35C (95F), add in a little humidity and I feel like my skin is melting off. The Czechs have a thing for zmrzlina (ice cream). It is sold everywhere and it is delicious! I swear I feel like rubbing it all over my face (I am so HOT!)  We have been getting outside in the morning to beat the heat and running (Jason) and walking (Katherine). I can't run while on the medications due to possible ovarian torsion and I can't run after embryo transfer for a week. So that leaves me one week a month where I can run. I am not a natural runner so this is not really allowing for a great workout schedule for me. Jason, on the other hand, is running 5 days a week and plans to run a marathon while we are here. Go Jason! I had planned on finding a pool where I could swim laps for exercise but with the lack of income it seems like an unnecessary expense so for now I will just continue to walk. Today we took the metro out to a forested area of Prague for a hike in Kunraticky and Michelsky forests. The wooded area is 700 acres of protected land with numerous trails criss-crossing all over the place and almost completely shaded. We walked the perimeter loop - 9K (5.5 miles)  - to get the lay of the land. There are a few marked trails but mostly they are not.  We'll for sure head back there and explore the area more.  

Earlier this week we took a train to a nearby city, Kunta Hora. The main attraction is the Sedlec Ossuary aka the Bone Church. It is decorated with the bones of over 40,000 people. Kinda creepy and kinda cool. We also visited 2 other gothic style churches - one being a cathedral type. I took my nice camera in an attempt to take some photographs and not just snapshots.

The chandelier contains every bone in the human skeleton.

This is what the church looks like from above the huge vaulted ceiling.

I had no idea that bricks were used!

The woodwork is astounding.

Jason is also astounding.

First, the good news...

So after the embryo transfer, Jason and I decided to hop on a train and travel around a bit. We spent time in Vienna, Austria (one of my favorites), Venice, Italy (another favorite), Florence, Italy (wait, also a favorite...), Zurich, Switzerland (SO FREAKING EXPENSIVE), and Munich, Germany (not my favorite). Then we were home for a few days and then spent 2 nights in Berlin, Germany (a serious favorite among favorites). We spent our anniversary in Venice and went on a gondola ride - I had to explain to one of the Shrader boys that it is not the same kind of gondola that we have in Colorado. We ate a lot of food, walked and walked and turns out, I have a thing for church's. They are so ornate and beautiful - and I like the smell. Train travel is treating us well - we have yet to go on an overnight train but plan to soon! We have been on some fast trains but only one got up to around 300km/h (about 186miles/hour) Of course, the art in Europe is unbeatable. I take so many photo's because everything is picture worthy! Speaking of... here are a hundred or so photo's including pics from Dresden... the not so good news after the pics.

Train to Dresden

 Vienna, Austria

 Train ride to Venice through the Alps

 Venice!

 

 Florence, Italy

 Birth of Venus

 

 

 Can't even explain the magnificence of the David

 More travel through the Alps

 Zurich, Switzerland

 Healthy as fuck!

 Chagall stained glass

 Mmm...cheese.

 And CHOCOLATE!

 Munich, Germany

 

 Train travel to Berlin

 Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe

 Berlin wall memorial

And for the not so good news... Monday of this week, I started spotting and cramping. On Tuesday I went in and saw the doctor. He wanted me to take another pregnancy test to verify I was not pregnant. After 2 negative tests and official red flow, this cycle was officially a failure. The doctor said to me - don't be so sad (imagine it said with an accent). He also said that we learned this cycle that we are able to create a beautiful embryo and that is very important. The last words of wisdom from the doc were that in the Czech Republic, the reason insurance covers 4 IVF treatments is that it usually takes several times. So with that being said we are onto round 2 of IVF. Tonight I did my first injections for this cycle (day 2) and will have an ultrasound on day 7 to see how the follicles are developing. While I knew that it might take several times, it doesn't make not being pregnant any easier. It doesn't make it feel any less like a loss. And now we send good vibes to my ovaries and encourage those follicles to GROW!

xo - katherine