Take #5

Another failed cycle. The emotions are overwhelming. I've, for the most part, been pulling back from everyone because I just don't want to feel what I am feeling. Jason gets to see the full range of emotions and it is probably not fair to him for me to be closing myself off from my friends and family.  It feels like he is the only one that really understands because he is going through it too (although logically I know that many people can relate even if they have never been though this themselves). At the same time, I just want to go home. I want to go back to the way things were. I want to see my friends, go for bike rides, go to book club, have dinner with the family. I want to have my job back and have a purpose. I want to walk Willie Nelson and have him snuggle with me on the couch. We came here saying - well, if it doesn't work , then at least we'll have an amazing experience. That has been true. We have had an amazing experience but currently my will to go explore has been less and less. I just want to go home.

Despite wanting to go home, I want more to have a baby. So I am taking control of what I can in my life. Here are a few ways I feel like I can. I have a few autoimmune issues and I am wondering if that might be one of the reasons that I haven't gotten pregnant. Autoimmune issues are complex and I'm not even going to pretend to understand how it all works but there is some suggestion that diet plays into autoimmune disease - and that I can control. I found a great website that explains the Auto Immune Protocol. The following explanation is from her website. It is basically paleo eating so no grains, no legumes, no dairy, no refined sugars, no modern vegetable oils, no processed food chemicals. A few other important factors are avoiding excessive salt, refined sugars, too many carbohydrates (but this doesn’t need to be a low carb diet!) and also trying to balance omega-3 vs. omega-6 fatty acid intake. But in addition, for the autoimmune protocol, I will completely avoid:

Eggs (especially the whites)
Nuts
Seeds (including cocoa, coffee and seed-based spices)
Nightshades (potatoes, tomatoes, eggplants, sweet and hot peppers, cayenne, red pepper, tomatillos, goji berries etc. and spices derived from peppers, including paprika)
Potential Gluten Cross-Reactive Foods
Fructose consumption in excess of 20g per day
Alcohol
NSAIDS (like aspirin or ibuprofen)
Non-nutritive sweeteners (yes, all of them, even stevia)
Emulsifiers, thickeners, and other food additives

Now I am sure that many of you are thinking this is a bunch of BS but I don't really care. It makes me feel like I am DOING something. And maybe, just maybe, it will help. In addition, I asked my doctor about having my Natural Killer cells (NK cells) tested to see if they are elevated. If they are then it is possible that my body is attacking the embryo -which would prevent implantation. I am not sure how to override this (if that is what is happening) but as it is related to autoimmune issues hopefully the change in diet will help the issue.

If you have any recipes to send me please do!! I am sure that I will get so bored eating this way. The hardest part will be the nightshades. I LOVE tomatoes and spicy peppers and not having those is going to suck. That and no more chocolate croissants. Boohoo.

So what else do people do when they feel like they have no control in their lives..... they cut their hair!! I haven't done it yet but I am planning to in the next week. I am thinking shoulder length hair and maybe some side bangs or something? Any thoughts? Send pics!! Seriously. I am doing it soon.

Ok, so the other way in which we are taking control is by lining up a donor for eggs. The one donor blastocyst that we currently have frozen was from a donor oocyte that was thawed and fertilized with Jason's sperm. This is not usually how it is done. Normally, they find a donor that matches the selected criteria (blood type, height, weight, ect.) and then she goes on the stimulation medications. All of the mature eggs retrieved from her are then fertilized with Jason's sperm and from there the process is the same (and usually there are a lot more to freeze for future cycles). I imagine that will happen for the following cycle. For this cycle, we will thaw one of the eggs I produced and the one from the donor. (We ended up having 2 eggs I produced frozen as an additional egg caught up and was good enough to freeze (yay)) If those both survive the thawing process we'll go with those two, if not then we will thaw the third one that I produced and hopefully transfer that one.

So that is the update. I am so thankful for all the messages, emails, and FaceTime calls we've received. I have been a bad friend and sister and am going to make an effort to reach out more. It is difficult because I want to reach out and I think I might explode all at the same time.

This is a picture of a dog at a shop in Rome. It makes me happy.

xo - katherine

Feeling hopeful.

Just to recap what we learned on Tuesday - there were 8 fertilized embryos from my eggs and 4 fertilized donor embryos. On Thursday (day 3 of embryonic development) we called and were told that all 12 of the embryos were either a Grade 1 or 2. Fabulous news. Friday they told us that quite a few had not made it and that a few were slow growing. All in all we had a total of 4 embryos - 3 were from my eggs and one was from the donor. The 2 best looking embryos were from my eggs and they were a Grade 1 and the other 2 (one from my eggs and the one donor were Grade 2). The rest they said they would keep in the growth medium and see if they might catch up. We expected that they all wouldn't make it as it is common for about only 1/3 of embryos to make it to the blastocyst stage. But the good news is that those that do make it are far more likely to result in a live birth.

This morning the numbers were the same but they were now blastocysts and were told to come in at 11:45 for the transfer. How exciting!! We decided to use embryo glue and assisted hatching for this cycle in hope of improving our chances. Now the next question was which blastocyst(s) to transfer? We already knew that we wanted to transfer 2 and at the suggestion of the embryologist, we decided to transfer the two Grade 1 embryos. We were warned that this might result in twins... (are some people surprised when they have twins after transferring two embryos?) The other two blastocysts will be frozen for the possibility of a future cycle.

Usually Jason has to wait in the room while I go for the transfer but this time he got to go with me. Our doctor came back from Moravia early so that he could do our transfer and we were the last transfer for the day so he invited Jason to come see the procedure. This was really special for us as that meant he got to hold my hand and see the blastocysts on the screen before they were transferred.

This is not the best picture of our two blastocysts but there they are!

We are feeling very hopeful for this cycle so keep lighting candles and sending love our way!!

xo- katherine

Holy cannoli!

On Monday we went in for the egg retrieval and they retrieved TWELVE eggs!! Holy cannoli! I can't believe it!!! My body kicked into gear. No wonder I was so sore and bloated. Today we called and 9 of the 12 eggs were mature and of those, EIGHT fertilized! In addition, we have 4 donor eggs that also fertilized, just in case. We are so excited and little in disbelief. We have more of our own fertilized embryo's this cycle than total eggs retrieved up until this cycle. Crazy.

Now we wait. We'll call back on Thursday to see the grading of the embryo's and a general update on their development. I believe we will probably wait until Saturday for the transfer as that will be day 5 but we will see.

Thank you for all the love and prayers and positive energy that has been sent our way - keep it coming!! We are hopeful that this will be our cycle!!

xo- katherine

Seven is my favorite number

About 3 weeks ago, after we found out that we didn't have an embryo for our last cycle, we had a meeting with the doc to make plans for the following cycle. We discussed using donor oocytes as the number of eggs I've been producing has been quite low. They clinic has frozen oocytes that can be unthawed and fertilized with Jason's sperm so we went through the list and selected the best donor with 6 available oocytes - she had a compatible blood type, somewhat similar height/weight, with brown hair and green eyes. We decided that we would do a blended cycle where I would do another medicated cycle and we would transfer one of my eggs and one of the donor eggs. There is a lower success rate with frozen oocytes but it gives us the opportunity for a blended transfer. So, after that meeting we got the meds for the cycle and headed out on holiday with our friend, Todd.

After a week of the stimulation injections and returning to Prague after a world-wind vacation, we went in on day 8 for our ultrasound to see how the follicles were looking and I had SEVEN follicles!!! We have never seen more than 2 follicles on our ultrasound. We are so excited and hopeful for this cycle. It must  have been the waters of Luscice bay on Hvar island in Croatia that is known to have fertility powers.

 In the past we have retrieved the eggs on day 10 but this cycle I am staying on meds longer so all the follicles can mature. That means that on Monday, day 13 of my cycle, we will retrieve the eggs and fertilize them along with the donor eggs. As long as we have 2 of our own embryo's then we will transfer only those. If we have less than 2 of our own then we will add in a donor embryo. Either way we are really excited for this cycle. 

I do have to say that I'm scared to transfer a donor embryo. I have so many different feelings surrounding this part of the process... I really want to be a mother and I am thrilled that we have this option. But I still have random thoughts like what if when the child finds out about the donor eggs (as we are being completely transparent with this process) that he/she will hate me. Or worse, what if I feel differently than I should as a parent. Logically, I know that it will all work out just fine and I'll be a great mother to any child but that doesn't meant that these thoughts don't cross my mind and keep me awake some nights. Mostly though, we are so thrilled and I really feel like this cycle will be the one. We will know more on Tuesday as far as how many eggs fertilized and when the transfer will likely occur so stay tuned and send us your love!

xo -katherine

Getting out of bed

Thursday morning, we called to check on our embryo and to find out when we should come in for the transfer - unfortunately, the embryologist informed us that the egg didn't fertilize. She did say that they would continue to watch it for another 24hrs just to be sure. This morning she confirmed the results and said the cycle was canceled. 

What a blow. I had such a good feeling about this cycle. For one, it was a natural cycle so my body wouldn't be all jacked up on hormones and might be more willing to accept the embryo. Then there is the old saying - third time's a charm! (I'll grasp onto anything at this point.) But mostly, I thought about the wonderful outpouring of support and love we have received. I was thinking of all the candles being lit. Of all the prayers and positive energy being sent our way. I asked people to take time out of their lives to hold space for our baby to be - surely the universe wouldn't disappoint.  

And yet, there I lay, sobbing in my bed after hearing the news from the embryologist. I cried and Jason held me. After awhile, I stopped crying and Jason got up to make us smoothies. I was sad and angry and trying to make sense of why this was happening. I proceeded to lay in bed and read my book, cry, and wonder what will happen if we never get pregnant. I got out of bed when Jason made us lunch and cleaned the dishes after (so I didn't feel completely worthless) and then hopped right back in bed and proceeded to repeat the mornings activities - read, cry, wonder. Late in the afternoon I decided to get out of bed and shower - my heart was tired and my body hurt from all the laying around. You would think after doing nothing all day I would have a lot of energy to burn but I just felt exhausted. I needed to get out of the house so we decided to go to the movies. I ended the day with some heart nurturing yoga and vowed that tomorrow I would get out of bed.

I realize that yesterday wasn't filled with a lot of nothing - it was filled with a lot of grieving. Jason says he feels disappointed about this cycle but remains hopeful and I vacillate between feeling completely hopeless and feeling like no matter what happens, I will be ok.  I am not ready to completely give up on my dream of being pregnant and becoming a mother but I also feel like I need to prepare myself for that possibility.

I feel the need to end this post on a positive note so that it is not so depressing for others to read, so that people don't feel uncomfortable, so that I can project this strong image of myself but I feel sad and depressed and I do want to crawl back in bed. Honestly, this blog has become a way for me to process my emotions and this is where I am right now. However, I will keep my vow to not crawl back into bed. 

I can't say thank you enough for all the love and support we have received. Each and every comment, message, phone call, and text are greatly appreciated.

xo - katherine

Light a candle

We had 2 ultrasounds this week and were told we had 2 follicles from our natural (un-medicated) cycle. We were thrilled! This morning we went in for the egg retrieval. I found out upon arrival that it would be done while I was awake - read, no anesthesia. Yikes! Upon entering the procedure room I told the doctor I was scared and then I started crying. The procedure started out with  a vaginal wash (fyi - it is totally weird having someone wash your vagina inside and out, especially when they squirt water up there). The doctor then inserted the vaginal ultrasound probe (with a retractable needle!!!) and the real procedure began. The sweet nurse that speaks no English came over and held my hand while I looked at the ultrasound screen. I felt a stick and squealed as I watched the black space mostly disappear on the screen. Then she poked several times (OUCH!) at the remaining black space and seemed to struggle - the whole thing lasted maybe 1 minute. She said the tissue was abnormal and there was no follicle - it was a cyst. A little lost in translation - I thought for about 30 seconds that there was nothing at all, as in it was all abnormal. So I cried harder. Then the sweet nurse excitedly repeated what the embryologist announced (I can only assume as she was speaking Czech) and the doctor translated to say that she retrieved one egg from the first follicle. Relief. Then, I proceeded to sob. The doctor asked if I was in pain; I said no, I just really want to have a baby.

So now we wait. This whole process has felt like a lot of anxious, emotional waiting. Waiting to see if I have eggs, waiting to see if they fertilize, waiting to see if they develop normally, waiting to see if I am pregnant. It is all completely out of my control, there is nothing I can do. I was FaceTiming with my sister-in-law, Elaine, and she asked if she could light a candle and say a little prayer to the Patron Saint of Infertility, St Anthony - that way she felt like she was doing something - I said, yes please!! We decided to copy her idea (even though we are not Catholic) and light a candle and send a little wish off. So, if you have time, light a candle and hold space for our baby to be.

xo - katherine

ps - expect a blog update soon on our most recent travels to Germany, France, Belgium and the Netherlands.

Nope.

Not pregnant. Again. 

The doc wants to give my body a break from all the hormones so we'll do a "natural" IVF cycle. This means that I won't take any hormones but they will still go in a retrieve any follicles I produce and go through the whole fertilization/embryo transfer process. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm being bombarded by babies and happy parents. On our last 3 trains we shared a 4 seater with these parents and smiling, cooing, and fussy babies. I am truly so happy for the pregnant women in my life and yet I am jealous. I want it to be me. I know everyone says be patient, this will happen, your time will come, blah blah blah. Don't get me wrong, I love the support but I am over the heartache. 

I might be akin to the crazy cat lady... I bought a sweet onesie in Prague and these adorable baby socks while we were on the northern coast of France - they say J'❤️ Papa and J'❤️ Maman. Jason just smiles and tells me they're adorable. 

xo - katherine