81, 295, 891

81 = First hCG beta at 8dp5dt (8 days past 5 day transfer (age of embryo))


295 = Second beta at 10dp5dt


891= Third beta at 12dp5dt






What do those numbers mean? Well, for starters, I am pregnant!  hCG usually doubles every 48-72 hours and my current doubling time is ~30hrs. So that is good news. I am excited but cautiously so.


I first took a HPT (home pregnancy test) on May 15 at 5dp5dt (basically 10days past what would have been ovulation - which is really early to test) and there was a squinter - meaning that I could barely see it. I described it to Jason as looking at the sky and seeing a star out of the corner of you eye but then trying to look directly at it and not being able to see it. That is what the first test was like. So of course I went and bought another test that was more sensitive and held my pee for as long as possible and there was definitely something there. I have seen so many negative HPTs that I knew that any hint of a line meant something. I tested each day until my first beta and the line continued to get darker. I stopped testing for peace of mind because I had a few freak-out moments where I wasn't sure if the line was darker. My dear friend Jessica came to visit me and thankfully she was able to reassure me. What a life- saver having her there.




So now, I can keep testing my hCG to see that the numbers rise appropriately but I am not sure I want keep checking. Part of me wants to just believe that it is all going to work out. I have the best OB in the world and she offered to have me come in early for an ultrasound but I don't want to go in until 7 weeks when we will be sure to see something. June 9th is when I'll be 7 weeks I'll wait until then to go in for the ultrasound to see the heartbeat and if there are one or two babies taking up residence in my uterus.




As far as symptoms - it is hard to tell if I am tired due to jet lag or pregnancy but I am definitely very tired in the afternoons. My boobs are sore and I have had a little indigestion and I am definitely peeing a lot more. Today I have a horrible taste in my mouth. I have been feeling jittery for the last week and I am not sure what that is about so I had my blood pressure checked and it was a little high for me at 102/67 as normally I have VERY low blood pressure. Otherwise I totally feel normal. I am only 4weeks 4days pregnant so it is still really early to feel much of anything. Trying to remain positive and really believe that this time it will all be ok. It is really early to announce but as I have been blogging through the whole process I wanted to continue to do so. We are not announcing it on FaceBook or anything like that just yet but for those loyal blog readers, you get to find out early!


As of now, the due date is Jan 26, 2017, which is Jason's 40th birthday!! I am sure it will change but who knows!!




Thank you for the continued support. I really really appreciate all the love.

Donor recap and the road ahead

Today I FINALLY heard back from the clinic regarding the two embryos that were sent for PGS testing... they are BOTH abnormal. So this last donor was a bust. Damn.

Here is out donor history just to be clear:

Donor 1: 8 frozen eggs thawed and inseminated = 1 day 5 blastocyst (NOT TESTED but can be transferred)

Donor 2: 15 retrieved, 8 fertilized, 2 made it day 5 and PGS tested = 1 day 5 blastocyst - PGS normal

Donor 3: 6 retrieved, 4 fertilized, 2 made it to day 5 and PGS tested = ZERO normal blastocysts

So, where does that leave us? I have a flight tomorrow to Prague and I am getting on that plane! We have the one normal PGS tested blastocyst so we are hoping that little frostie is the one! The coordinator did say that there was a donor that might meet our requirements and she is going in for her retrieval tomorrow but if we give her a go, we will not have PGS results before transferring. So Jason and I will discuss the options tonight. Either way, I am headed to Prague.

Of course I was really hoping to have more than one egg but honestly I am not that upset about these latest results. It is just par for the course.

I have posted this song before, but this song speaks to my soul and feels so fitting.

Send me calming vibes for my travel day which starts tomorrow... I am usually a freakishly nervous flyer. I have been working with my amazing acupuncturist for the last two weeks and I am actually feeling pretty good about everything. She has been specifically working on blood flow to my uterus but acupuncture as a whole just makes me feel so much better. I just wish she could come with me!

 

Not so fast...

I said that my expectations were not as high this time but somehow I am again let down. It appears that there were 6 mature eggs, 4 fertilized and 2 are developing quite nice as of this morning.


Whawhat!? How is it possible that we again have so few eggs to work with? I might as well be stimulating myself with the results that we are getting. I just don't understand. So how do I continue to go through this and not lose my shit? That is not a rhetorical question... seriously, how do I do this? Those who are religious, turn to their god during hard times but what do I do? I consider myself a spiritual person and my beliefs are best explained with Star Wars description of "The Force" - I am not a crazy fan or anything, it just makes sense to me:


"It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together." -Obi-Wan Kenobi


I am trying to believe that this will work out for us but I just don't get why it has to be THIS hard.

PART 2 of the (very) bumpy road

Somehow my whole post was not published so I will continue the story here...

After eating some very bland "real food" I was sent home to recover. I was out on sick leave for the whole week as I was still experiencing pain and totally depleted from eating next to nothing. I am still in some pain now but I am back at work.

Now back to the embryo's...

While in the hospital, I received two bits of news - first was that only one of our little snowflakes was normal. They guaranteed us two so they are on the hunt for another donor. In addition, my IVF doc instructed me to stop all of my medications and to cancel my trip to Prague due to the pancreatitis. I am so sad that I am not on a flight right now headed to Prague... I was supposed to leave today. Boo!!!

Then to make matters worse, my OB, who ran some tests for my RE in Prague called to tell me that I have a positive antiphospholipid antibody (APA) which is an autoimmune test and that she was going to refer me to the high-risk OB so they can help me through this process. What she said it basically means is that it can be a challenge for those with a positive APA to carry a pregnancy to full term and that I would need to be on injectable blood thinners for my entire pregnancy. She said she has one patient that has only ever made it to 20 weeks - with no live births and another who with the help of blood thinners just gave birth. So, yay another something to complicate this whole mess. I really am sick of hearing myself complain but WHAT THE FUCK. I am ready for a break. Seriously.

I did talk to my RE in Prague today and he assured me that we can do a natural cycle FET (so no estrogen or lupron) but that I would need to be in Prague from around ~day 7 of my cycle until day ~25 of my cycle. That is almost 3 weeks and I had just enough sick leave to cover the 2 weeks I was to be gone for this trip. Hopefully my work is ok with me taking 3 weeks of leave and about 2 weeks of it will have to be without pay. The reason that I want to do a no estrogen cycle is that estrogen can cause pancreatitis however I do not think that was the cause as I hadn't been on any estrogen for months when the pain appeared and I had only started it the day before I had the severe pancreatitis attack. In addition, he wants to transfer our one genetically normal embryo as well as an untested embryo from the new donor. It is kind of crazy to think that we could have two children with different biological mothers. Weird.

So now I have to wait for them to find a donor and I am not sure how long that will take... ugh so frustrating!! I am so ready to be a mother but there is nothing I can do except to try to get my body ready -- On the agenda is more yoga, starting a meditation practice and to try and be in the moment.

The (very) bumpy road

I just realized that half of my post didn't show up. I will post another blog update with the rest of the story...


Where do I start?

Last week I had been contact with the clinic discussing the various scenarios regarding our 2 frozen embryos and the doctor was having the results rushed. We were to call on Tuesday (March 1) to find out the fate of our little snowflakes. This was good news, as I would know before flying to Prague if we would have anything to transfer. This would also determine if the clinic would be searching for another donor - we were guaranteed 2 normal embryos.

Now to back up a bit, over the past month I have been having this pain in my abdomen. Sometimes it was just a little uncomfortable, once I considered going to the hospital but mostly it was this nagging pain that I chocked up to stress -- maybe an ulcer?

On Saturday, I had some pain after lunch but nothing to severe. Later that day I had a glass of red wine while making chicken pot pie with Jason's sister Kim -- while sitting down to eat I was hit with a hot flash and felt ill. At first I thought it was a side effect of the medications I was on to prepare for my frozen transfer in March but then the same pain in my abdomen returned and it was so severe I couldn't find a way to get comfortable. I kept moving around from the bathroom to the bedroom to the living room, trying to get comfortable. Jason brought me a cold wash cloth but nothing seemed to help. Finally I told Jason that we needed to go to the hospital. On my way out to the garage, I threw up and thought I sure hope that I am not going to the hospital for something silly like the flu. Once we get there the waiting game begins. The pain had subsided and I considered in my mind just going home. I think we waited about 1.5 hours until we were taken back to a room. They hooked me up to an IV after taking some blood. I refused pain meds as the pain was nothing like it was when I cam in and chatted with the doc about the options - possibly my gallbladder. After an hour or so, he comes back in and says -- well it's not your gallbladder, you have pancreatitis. What??!? My labs showed that my lipase was just under 7000 and the value was supposed to be less than 400. Damn. The doc said that I could finally have some water and if I tolerated that without pain, then I could go home. 

Long story short, I was admitted into the hospital and stayed for 3 days. I was on a clear liquid diet for the whole time I was admitted until I wanted to go home then I had to eat real food. 

Til it happens to you

I feel like we just can't catch a break.

The egg retrieval was on 2/17. They retrieved 15 eggs and 12 were mature. Already I was devastated as I know how this numbers game works and the numbers can dwindle down so fast.

2/18 - I found out only 8 were fertilized. WTF. They said they would check them again on day 5 of their growth so 2/22. The waiting sucked.

Today - As they are 8 hours ahead in Prague, when I woke up to pee at 1:00 am, I called the clinic to find out how many made it... only 2 made it. I cried for a long while.

WTF. WTF. WTF.

Seriously.

How did we end up with so few when the numbers from her previous cycles were so amazing. Why did so few fertilize? Why did even fewer make it to day 5. I just feel like giving up. The heartbreak feels like too much.

Jason remains positive. And continue to tell me not to worry. How do I not worry? I would give anything to not worry. To sleep through the night. To not cry every day. To feel confident that I will one day be a mother.  To not have feelings of jealousness and bitterness toward my pregnant friends. This one is a hard one for me - yes I love my girlfriends and I am happy for them but at times (most of the time) it is just to much for me to put on a happy face and share in their joy. So instead, I stay home and isolate myself so I don't suck the happiness out of everyone, like the Nothing. Yay me. I have nothing positive to offer out of this, no silver lining.

And now I leave you with a song that while was written about a very different subject, the emotions of the song resonates with me and how I feel.