Some light

"Some light"  was the title of the email I received on Thursday from donor coordinator at Iscare. Another couple backed out of using donor eggs and their selected donor, who was already in the stimulation process, was suddenly available for us to use if we wanted. We were told that she was already far along in her stimulation process and that we would need to make a decision quickly if we were to use her eggs. I called Jason and told him her phenotype and we agreed that she was a perfect match! On Friday we heard back from the coordinator that the donor would go in for retrieval first thing Saturday morning and that we could expect to hear a fertilization report on Monday.

So, as I type this, there are embryo's growing in a lab in Prague, that hopefully, one day, will become our child(ren). I booked tickets for Prague departing April 30th and arriving Sunday, May 1st. They want to see me on day 8 of my cycle (which should be Monday May 2) as we are going to be doing a natural FET (no meds). This last month, I was over a week late starting my period but I think that was due to the pancreatitis. I am going to track my cycle with my basal body temperature to determine when I ovulate so I can know a little better when I'll start my period. Hopefully, the timing works out like I think it should. I am planning to stay until May 19 which should be around day 25 of my cycle which should give me enough buffer time in case my cycle is late.

We are very excited (although I will say I have set my expectations a bit lower this time) and I am doing my best to not to let my fears take over... I feel like my body/mind has a mind of it's own right now and I am just along for the ride. Tomorrow I am going to start my new medication... I've been putting it off but obviously what I am doing isn't working. This is my new mantra:

No Man's Land

Last week I found out that there was a mistake made at Iscare and I was not at the top of the list for a donor. I wasn't even on the list. They hadn't been looking for a donor for me. ARRGG!!! So now they said that they are on the hunt but that it could take 4-6 weeks. I am SO TIRED OF WAITING!! I am tired of complaining. I am tired of being let down. I am just so over it.


The good news is that I am working with a new coordinator at Iscare and she has been quick to respond to my emails. She is very reassuring and takes the time to respond to all of my questions. Even if she doesn't have any answers, I like having communication so that I feel like I am doing something. Like we are moving forward.


I just started my period but it was a week late... I took several pregnancy test thinking that maybe somehow a miracle had occurred, but no. I assume it was late because of the pancreatitis. Such a cruel joke. Speaking of my pancreas, I was feeling tons better but leading up to starting my period, some pain has returned. I am still eating a very low-fat diet, no alcohol, very little meat. It is possible that I may have pain every month when I start my period. And still, we have no idea why I had pancreatitis.


I began experiencing chest and back pain last week and on Monday I decided to go to see my doc. They did an EKG and nothing was alarming so they think that it may be anxiety. Great. I have experienced a lot of anxiety in my life - even full blown panic attacks - and I have never had chest pain as a symptom. I really thought I might be having a heart attack. But whatever. I don't doubt it. I mean I am not in the best place emotionally in my life right now. BUT that means they want to put me on a pregnancy safe anti-anxiety/anti-depressant. Jason is in support of that and I guess if he thinks I need it (as he is the one who sees me everyday) then I'll take it.


That is it for now. I am still hoping that I can go to Prague the first week of May. If we push it out another cycle (June) then I would be there exactly one year after we started this whole IVF thing in Prague. Time stresses me out. I am definitely going to be 39 by the time I have a kid and that won't happen until 2017!! (That is, if I get pregnant at all.)

PART 2 of the (very) bumpy road

Somehow my whole post was not published so I will continue the story here...

After eating some very bland "real food" I was sent home to recover. I was out on sick leave for the whole week as I was still experiencing pain and totally depleted from eating next to nothing. I am still in some pain now but I am back at work.

Now back to the embryo's...

While in the hospital, I received two bits of news - first was that only one of our little snowflakes was normal. They guaranteed us two so they are on the hunt for another donor. In addition, my IVF doc instructed me to stop all of my medications and to cancel my trip to Prague due to the pancreatitis. I am so sad that I am not on a flight right now headed to Prague... I was supposed to leave today. Boo!!!

Then to make matters worse, my OB, who ran some tests for my RE in Prague called to tell me that I have a positive antiphospholipid antibody (APA) which is an autoimmune test and that she was going to refer me to the high-risk OB so they can help me through this process. What she said it basically means is that it can be a challenge for those with a positive APA to carry a pregnancy to full term and that I would need to be on injectable blood thinners for my entire pregnancy. She said she has one patient that has only ever made it to 20 weeks - with no live births and another who with the help of blood thinners just gave birth. So, yay another something to complicate this whole mess. I really am sick of hearing myself complain but WHAT THE FUCK. I am ready for a break. Seriously.

I did talk to my RE in Prague today and he assured me that we can do a natural cycle FET (so no estrogen or lupron) but that I would need to be in Prague from around ~day 7 of my cycle until day ~25 of my cycle. That is almost 3 weeks and I had just enough sick leave to cover the 2 weeks I was to be gone for this trip. Hopefully my work is ok with me taking 3 weeks of leave and about 2 weeks of it will have to be without pay. The reason that I want to do a no estrogen cycle is that estrogen can cause pancreatitis however I do not think that was the cause as I hadn't been on any estrogen for months when the pain appeared and I had only started it the day before I had the severe pancreatitis attack. In addition, he wants to transfer our one genetically normal embryo as well as an untested embryo from the new donor. It is kind of crazy to think that we could have two children with different biological mothers. Weird.

So now I have to wait for them to find a donor and I am not sure how long that will take... ugh so frustrating!! I am so ready to be a mother but there is nothing I can do except to try to get my body ready -- On the agenda is more yoga, starting a meditation practice and to try and be in the moment.

The (very) bumpy road

I just realized that half of my post didn't show up. I will post another blog update with the rest of the story...


Where do I start?

Last week I had been contact with the clinic discussing the various scenarios regarding our 2 frozen embryos and the doctor was having the results rushed. We were to call on Tuesday (March 1) to find out the fate of our little snowflakes. This was good news, as I would know before flying to Prague if we would have anything to transfer. This would also determine if the clinic would be searching for another donor - we were guaranteed 2 normal embryos.

Now to back up a bit, over the past month I have been having this pain in my abdomen. Sometimes it was just a little uncomfortable, once I considered going to the hospital but mostly it was this nagging pain that I chocked up to stress -- maybe an ulcer?

On Saturday, I had some pain after lunch but nothing to severe. Later that day I had a glass of red wine while making chicken pot pie with Jason's sister Kim -- while sitting down to eat I was hit with a hot flash and felt ill. At first I thought it was a side effect of the medications I was on to prepare for my frozen transfer in March but then the same pain in my abdomen returned and it was so severe I couldn't find a way to get comfortable. I kept moving around from the bathroom to the bedroom to the living room, trying to get comfortable. Jason brought me a cold wash cloth but nothing seemed to help. Finally I told Jason that we needed to go to the hospital. On my way out to the garage, I threw up and thought I sure hope that I am not going to the hospital for something silly like the flu. Once we get there the waiting game begins. The pain had subsided and I considered in my mind just going home. I think we waited about 1.5 hours until we were taken back to a room. They hooked me up to an IV after taking some blood. I refused pain meds as the pain was nothing like it was when I cam in and chatted with the doc about the options - possibly my gallbladder. After an hour or so, he comes back in and says -- well it's not your gallbladder, you have pancreatitis. What??!? My labs showed that my lipase was just under 7000 and the value was supposed to be less than 400. Damn. The doc said that I could finally have some water and if I tolerated that without pain, then I could go home. 

Long story short, I was admitted into the hospital and stayed for 3 days. I was on a clear liquid diet for the whole time I was admitted until I wanted to go home then I had to eat real food. 

Til it happens to you

I feel like we just can't catch a break.

The egg retrieval was on 2/17. They retrieved 15 eggs and 12 were mature. Already I was devastated as I know how this numbers game works and the numbers can dwindle down so fast.

2/18 - I found out only 8 were fertilized. WTF. They said they would check them again on day 5 of their growth so 2/22. The waiting sucked.

Today - As they are 8 hours ahead in Prague, when I woke up to pee at 1:00 am, I called the clinic to find out how many made it... only 2 made it. I cried for a long while.

WTF. WTF. WTF.

Seriously.

How did we end up with so few when the numbers from her previous cycles were so amazing. Why did so few fertilize? Why did even fewer make it to day 5. I just feel like giving up. The heartbreak feels like too much.

Jason remains positive. And continue to tell me not to worry. How do I not worry? I would give anything to not worry. To sleep through the night. To not cry every day. To feel confident that I will one day be a mother.  To not have feelings of jealousness and bitterness toward my pregnant friends. This one is a hard one for me - yes I love my girlfriends and I am happy for them but at times (most of the time) it is just to much for me to put on a happy face and share in their joy. So instead, I stay home and isolate myself so I don't suck the happiness out of everyone, like the Nothing. Yay me. I have nothing positive to offer out of this, no silver lining.

And now I leave you with a song that while was written about a very different subject, the emotions of the song resonates with me and how I feel.

Egg donor!!

The clinic sent an email and they have found an egg donor for us!!! We are SO thrilled!! She has donated 4 prior times and they retrieved 22 and 42 eggs in her last 2 donor cycles and both resulted in live births in the last year. The plan for the timeline is that she will come off of birth control pills on February 5th and they estimate that the egg retrieval will be around February 20. From there they will fertilize the eggs with Jason's frozen sperm that's on ice at the clinic and then the embryo's will undergo PGS testing. It takes about 2-4 weeks for the results but we will know in time for my cycle in March!! YAY!!!

I'll need to be on Decpaptyl for the first 7 days of my cycle -- I just need to figure out how to get it as I can't seem to find it here in the US... It does the same thing as Lupron but as I just found out, Lupron is SO EXPENSIVE!! I'll need to do an ultrasound on day 15 of my cycle and anticipate a transfer around cycle day  17-20 and then they want me to wait several days before flying home. Soooo... here is the tentative plan, I'll fly out on March 8 and arrive on March 9 -which should be cycle day 13 but it gives me a little buffer in case my cycle length isn't what I anticipate (I wish I had a crystal ball!!) and then I'll fly home on March 21 which also gives me a little buffer on the back side.

I am going to book my flight tomorrow after talking to my supervisor... I've only been there a week but I am hopeful that it won't be an issue! Fingers crossed! I feel so much better knowing that we have a donor and that she's done this before. 

xo-katherine

Delay

I am so angry right now!! I just finally received an email from Iscare about my donor cycle and they still have not located a donor. Not only have they not located a donor but they are saying that my FET (frozen embryo transfer)  donor egg cycle will be delayed because the PGS testing is taking 2-4 weeks right now. That means that I am waiting 2 more cycles before I can have the FET. UGH!!! I really am SO disappointed. My plan was to try this past cycle - I am awaiting my period and it should arrive in the next few days (unless I am pregnant, yeah right) and then head to Prague after the next cycle. My next cycle should be starting around February 25 and now having to wait until the following cycle around March 22. That means I would go to Prague sometime around the last few days of March and the FET would happen sometime in the first week of April. I know a month in the big scheme of things sounds like no bug deal, right. Well to me it feels like a fucking eternity. Great opportunity for me to practice patience, you say - screw patience. 

We have been actively trying to get pregnant since June 2014. I am finally ready to move onto donor eggs and now I have to wait even longer. I am 38 years old and now I will definitely be 39 by the time I give birth (if it works). Not to mention that will put me with a due date right around Christmas. Yes, I will have a baby ANYTIME - but if I had a choice I wouldn't choose for the due date to be around Christmas. I feel like I am just wasting the days away until I have a baby. I know that sounds horrible. I love my husband and I cherish every day I have with him but I am ready to add to our family. NOW. I am making an real effort to not waste away my days and to enjoy them while we wait - people like to say, oh enjoy it now because you'll miss it once it is gone (ARG! that statement is so annoying) - but today after getting the email all I want to do is crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head and cry away the days. Of course, I just started a new job so I don't get to do that. 

I sent a sternly worded email conveying my disappointment regarding this delay. There is nothing else I can do. I have no say in this process and that is EXTREMELY frustrating. So instead, I listen to my infertility playlist and cry and hope and wish that some day I will be a mother.

Below are some screen shots of my current playlist that is ever changing. I couldn't figure out how to copy the list...

Some of the songs have a word or two that connect with me, others have a whole verse or the chorus. On occasion the whole song speaks to me. With some of my favorites, the words don't relate at all but it is the feeling of the song that gets me - like the Eddie Veder songs. Zombie by the Cranberries has the same feeling to me as my miscarriage. I know that sounds crazy but when the song peaks in the middle (around 3:30min) when she's singing oh, oh, oh.... it is lyrically the same feeling as when I was at the height of my miscarriage. That one cam make me really sob. Some are love songs that people relate to romantic love but I equate with the feeling or longing for a child - like A Thousand Years by Christina Perry. There are three of her songs on my playlist. I love her. One of my absolute favorite songs is My Silver Lining by First Aid Kit. This song was in an advertisement in the movie theatre in Prague and the words are so PERFECT. I love everything about this song. When she says I hear a voice calling out to me - to me I think of it as the soul of my child trying to get to me.