Take #5

Another failed cycle. The emotions are overwhelming. I've, for the most part, been pulling back from everyone because I just don't want to feel what I am feeling. Jason gets to see the full range of emotions and it is probably not fair to him for me to be closing myself off from my friends and family.  It feels like he is the only one that really understands because he is going through it too (although logically I know that many people can relate even if they have never been though this themselves). At the same time, I just want to go home. I want to go back to the way things were. I want to see my friends, go for bike rides, go to book club, have dinner with the family. I want to have my job back and have a purpose. I want to walk Willie Nelson and have him snuggle with me on the couch. We came here saying - well, if it doesn't work , then at least we'll have an amazing experience. That has been true. We have had an amazing experience but currently my will to go explore has been less and less. I just want to go home.

Despite wanting to go home, I want more to have a baby. So I am taking control of what I can in my life. Here are a few ways I feel like I can. I have a few autoimmune issues and I am wondering if that might be one of the reasons that I haven't gotten pregnant. Autoimmune issues are complex and I'm not even going to pretend to understand how it all works but there is some suggestion that diet plays into autoimmune disease - and that I can control. I found a great website that explains the Auto Immune Protocol. The following explanation is from her website. It is basically paleo eating so no grains, no legumes, no dairy, no refined sugars, no modern vegetable oils, no processed food chemicals. A few other important factors are avoiding excessive salt, refined sugars, too many carbohydrates (but this doesn’t need to be a low carb diet!) and also trying to balance omega-3 vs. omega-6 fatty acid intake. But in addition, for the autoimmune protocol, I will completely avoid:

Eggs (especially the whites)
Nuts
Seeds (including cocoa, coffee and seed-based spices)
Nightshades (potatoes, tomatoes, eggplants, sweet and hot peppers, cayenne, red pepper, tomatillos, goji berries etc. and spices derived from peppers, including paprika)
Potential Gluten Cross-Reactive Foods
Fructose consumption in excess of 20g per day
Alcohol
NSAIDS (like aspirin or ibuprofen)
Non-nutritive sweeteners (yes, all of them, even stevia)
Emulsifiers, thickeners, and other food additives

Now I am sure that many of you are thinking this is a bunch of BS but I don't really care. It makes me feel like I am DOING something. And maybe, just maybe, it will help. In addition, I asked my doctor about having my Natural Killer cells (NK cells) tested to see if they are elevated. If they are then it is possible that my body is attacking the embryo -which would prevent implantation. I am not sure how to override this (if that is what is happening) but as it is related to autoimmune issues hopefully the change in diet will help the issue.

If you have any recipes to send me please do!! I am sure that I will get so bored eating this way. The hardest part will be the nightshades. I LOVE tomatoes and spicy peppers and not having those is going to suck. That and no more chocolate croissants. Boohoo.

So what else do people do when they feel like they have no control in their lives..... they cut their hair!! I haven't done it yet but I am planning to in the next week. I am thinking shoulder length hair and maybe some side bangs or something? Any thoughts? Send pics!! Seriously. I am doing it soon.

Ok, so the other way in which we are taking control is by lining up a donor for eggs. The one donor blastocyst that we currently have frozen was from a donor oocyte that was thawed and fertilized with Jason's sperm. This is not usually how it is done. Normally, they find a donor that matches the selected criteria (blood type, height, weight, ect.) and then she goes on the stimulation medications. All of the mature eggs retrieved from her are then fertilized with Jason's sperm and from there the process is the same (and usually there are a lot more to freeze for future cycles). I imagine that will happen for the following cycle. For this cycle, we will thaw one of the eggs I produced and the one from the donor. (We ended up having 2 eggs I produced frozen as an additional egg caught up and was good enough to freeze (yay)) If those both survive the thawing process we'll go with those two, if not then we will thaw the third one that I produced and hopefully transfer that one.

So that is the update. I am so thankful for all the messages, emails, and FaceTime calls we've received. I have been a bad friend and sister and am going to make an effort to reach out more. It is difficult because I want to reach out and I think I might explode all at the same time.

This is a picture of a dog at a shop in Rome. It makes me happy.

xo - katherine