Donor recap and the road ahead

Today I FINALLY heard back from the clinic regarding the two embryos that were sent for PGS testing... they are BOTH abnormal. So this last donor was a bust. Damn.

Here is out donor history just to be clear:

Donor 1: 8 frozen eggs thawed and inseminated = 1 day 5 blastocyst (NOT TESTED but can be transferred)

Donor 2: 15 retrieved, 8 fertilized, 2 made it day 5 and PGS tested = 1 day 5 blastocyst - PGS normal

Donor 3: 6 retrieved, 4 fertilized, 2 made it to day 5 and PGS tested = ZERO normal blastocysts

So, where does that leave us? I have a flight tomorrow to Prague and I am getting on that plane! We have the one normal PGS tested blastocyst so we are hoping that little frostie is the one! The coordinator did say that there was a donor that might meet our requirements and she is going in for her retrieval tomorrow but if we give her a go, we will not have PGS results before transferring. So Jason and I will discuss the options tonight. Either way, I am headed to Prague.

Of course I was really hoping to have more than one egg but honestly I am not that upset about these latest results. It is just par for the course.

I have posted this song before, but this song speaks to my soul and feels so fitting.

Send me calming vibes for my travel day which starts tomorrow... I am usually a freakishly nervous flyer. I have been working with my amazing acupuncturist for the last two weeks and I am actually feeling pretty good about everything. She has been specifically working on blood flow to my uterus but acupuncture as a whole just makes me feel so much better. I just wish she could come with me!

 

Not so fast...

I said that my expectations were not as high this time but somehow I am again let down. It appears that there were 6 mature eggs, 4 fertilized and 2 are developing quite nice as of this morning.


Whawhat!? How is it possible that we again have so few eggs to work with? I might as well be stimulating myself with the results that we are getting. I just don't understand. So how do I continue to go through this and not lose my shit? That is not a rhetorical question... seriously, how do I do this? Those who are religious, turn to their god during hard times but what do I do? I consider myself a spiritual person and my beliefs are best explained with Star Wars description of "The Force" - I am not a crazy fan or anything, it just makes sense to me:


"It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together." -Obi-Wan Kenobi


I am trying to believe that this will work out for us but I just don't get why it has to be THIS hard.

Some light

"Some light"  was the title of the email I received on Thursday from donor coordinator at Iscare. Another couple backed out of using donor eggs and their selected donor, who was already in the stimulation process, was suddenly available for us to use if we wanted. We were told that she was already far along in her stimulation process and that we would need to make a decision quickly if we were to use her eggs. I called Jason and told him her phenotype and we agreed that she was a perfect match! On Friday we heard back from the coordinator that the donor would go in for retrieval first thing Saturday morning and that we could expect to hear a fertilization report on Monday.

So, as I type this, there are embryo's growing in a lab in Prague, that hopefully, one day, will become our child(ren). I booked tickets for Prague departing April 30th and arriving Sunday, May 1st. They want to see me on day 8 of my cycle (which should be Monday May 2) as we are going to be doing a natural FET (no meds). This last month, I was over a week late starting my period but I think that was due to the pancreatitis. I am going to track my cycle with my basal body temperature to determine when I ovulate so I can know a little better when I'll start my period. Hopefully, the timing works out like I think it should. I am planning to stay until May 19 which should be around day 25 of my cycle which should give me enough buffer time in case my cycle is late.

We are very excited (although I will say I have set my expectations a bit lower this time) and I am doing my best to not to let my fears take over... I feel like my body/mind has a mind of it's own right now and I am just along for the ride. Tomorrow I am going to start my new medication... I've been putting it off but obviously what I am doing isn't working. This is my new mantra:

No Man's Land

Last week I found out that there was a mistake made at Iscare and I was not at the top of the list for a donor. I wasn't even on the list. They hadn't been looking for a donor for me. ARRGG!!! So now they said that they are on the hunt but that it could take 4-6 weeks. I am SO TIRED OF WAITING!! I am tired of complaining. I am tired of being let down. I am just so over it.


The good news is that I am working with a new coordinator at Iscare and she has been quick to respond to my emails. She is very reassuring and takes the time to respond to all of my questions. Even if she doesn't have any answers, I like having communication so that I feel like I am doing something. Like we are moving forward.


I just started my period but it was a week late... I took several pregnancy test thinking that maybe somehow a miracle had occurred, but no. I assume it was late because of the pancreatitis. Such a cruel joke. Speaking of my pancreas, I was feeling tons better but leading up to starting my period, some pain has returned. I am still eating a very low-fat diet, no alcohol, very little meat. It is possible that I may have pain every month when I start my period. And still, we have no idea why I had pancreatitis.


I began experiencing chest and back pain last week and on Monday I decided to go to see my doc. They did an EKG and nothing was alarming so they think that it may be anxiety. Great. I have experienced a lot of anxiety in my life - even full blown panic attacks - and I have never had chest pain as a symptom. I really thought I might be having a heart attack. But whatever. I don't doubt it. I mean I am not in the best place emotionally in my life right now. BUT that means they want to put me on a pregnancy safe anti-anxiety/anti-depressant. Jason is in support of that and I guess if he thinks I need it (as he is the one who sees me everyday) then I'll take it.


That is it for now. I am still hoping that I can go to Prague the first week of May. If we push it out another cycle (June) then I would be there exactly one year after we started this whole IVF thing in Prague. Time stresses me out. I am definitely going to be 39 by the time I have a kid and that won't happen until 2017!! (That is, if I get pregnant at all.)