The wonderful, the difficult and the plan.

What a whirlwind the last few weeks have been! We arrived back in Colorado on December 12th and decided it was a good idea to move into our new house on December 13 - the one we bought and closed on while we were in Prague. We had an outpouring of love from our friends and family. They showed up with 7 trucks and 4 trailers and moved us from our storage units into our house in about 4 hours. Not to mention that my entire kitchen was unpacked and put away in that process. Jason's family stocked our kitchen so we were able to start cooking at home right away. It was such a thoughtful and really really wonderful gift. This is the exact reason we returned to GJ - not because we have friends and family that do things for us but because we have friends and family who love us and want to help us despite having busy lives of their own. This has been a wonderful but also difficult transition back. 

The wonderful: First and foremost, WILLIE NELSON!! So happy to be reunited. Now for the rest of the wonderfulness... Jason was hired on at St. Mary's and started on December 21. This was a big day for us as Jason has been working up to a new career for some time and it finally became a reality! Go Jason!! Due to the holidays, he gets a soft start which is helpful in transitioning back into work. I interviewed with the VA hospital for a Time and Leave Clerk position on December 21 and was offered the job that day. Go me! While this position is not my dream job, it does have some dreamy qualities - health benefits and the unrestricted use of the label maker. It is another federal position for me so I will have all of my sick leave restored as well as similar pay despite it being at a lower grade. I don't start for a few weeks which is helpful in getting fully unpacked. We spent the holidays in Montrose and were able to see most of Jason's immediate family. We ate amazing food, played cards, loved on each other and of course played non-stop with the nieces and nephews. Love love love those kiddos. And we saw Star Wars!

The difficult: I have such conflicting feelings and it is hard to manage them at times. Yes, I am excited to be home and have an awesome new house (despite having to sink a chunk of change into the water pipes). Yes, I am thrilled to see family and friends. But here is the hard part... the guest bedroom was suppose to be a baby room. This Christmas I was suppose to give Jason baby related gifts and vice versa. Seeing friends was suppose to be filled with heart-felt congratulations instead of not knowing what to say so nothing is said. I am happy to see friends and I want to bust out crying. I feel selfish for talking about what I am feeling. What do I do in this situation? I don't want to make people uncomfortable by talking about my heartache and people don't talk about what has happened - but why? I have been so open with everything but I have to realize that people just don't know what to say or don't want to bring it up for fear of causing more pain or it is a topic they just are not comfortable discussing. I understand that it is an uncomfortable topic but a simple acknowledgement goes a long way. On the flip side, I have had many women reach out to me and share their heartache. Women I hardly know offering words of encouragement and understanding  and just because I am an open book doesn't mean that I can expect everyone else to be. I am still feeling all the feelings about my miscarriage and infertility and if someone brings it up and I start crying it is another step on my journey to heal. So don't worry that you are causing more heartache - you aren't. You are helping me to be heard and feel what I need to feel so I can heal. No one should read this and feel obligated to say anything or bad if they haven't - I just want to share my feelings so I can try and heal.

The plan: We do have a plan. The clinic in Prague is looking for an egg donor match. She will take all of the medications and her eggs will be retrieved and fertilized with Jason's sperm that they have frozen at the clinic. After testing them, I will return for about a week and a half to Prague for a FET (frozen embryo transfer) sometime hopefully in late February early March depending on when my periods return to normal after the miscarriage. I now know I can get pregnant so now we just need to find the one that will stick. 

xo -katherine

The unabridged story

Dear family and friends,

Below you will find the full story of my miscarriage - including all of the very explicit details as well as a photograph of my gestational sac and placenta. Do not feel as though you need to read the full story and you have been warned about the photograph. What you need to know is that I took a drug called cytotec to induce the miscarriage so that it wouldn't occur while I was traveling on a train or plane. I asked a dear friend her miscarriage story and she told me her unabridged story and for that I am so thankful. Her story clued me in to the need to have this process happen in the comfort of my own home (or in an AirBNB in Spain). I took the drug around 3pm on December 3 and the miscarriage occurred just before midnight. I felt immediate relief after passing the placenta and gestational sac and am feeling better and better each day. We are so thankful for all of the support and I in turn hope that if someone comes searching for what might happen to them if they are experiencing a miscarriage, that this full story can help them prepare for what is to come. Some may think that the photograph is taking it a bit too far but I had no idea what to expect and I was shocked when it happened so I hope all of this can provide help and support to other women. 

We are so excited to be headed home this Saturday and are currently in London with one of my dearest friends - Jessica and her husband and sweet girls as well as her brother Jonathan aka Scruff. We are having a wonderful time and soaking up the friend love. 

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The full story:

On December 3, Jason and I went to the maternity hospital in Malaga, Spain. There was no indication that I was going to have a natural miscarriage any time soon and as I said above, I am so thankful for being encouraged to take action before traveling around the world. At the hospital, the doctor confirmed (again) with an ultrasound that there was not a heartbeat and explained our options - waiting for it to naturally occur, having a D&C (where they put you under anesthesia and scrape out the inside of your uterus), or taking cytotec which will cause the body to abort the baby. I really just wanted it over and went in knowing my options and wanting to have a D&C. The doctor said that it is much better on the body to do it naturally via cytotec so we decided to go that route. All he said was that it would take a few hours for the drug to kick in and that it would be like a heavy period. So we left the hospital and headed back to our AirBnb apartment to get the process started. I had done some reading on what to expect and how to prepare myself with supplies such as pain reliever, hot water bottle and pads ect. Jason went out and got a pizza (for later) and some "Gatorade" and we felt as ready as we could be. Here is the timeline:

15:15 - Took the cytotec vaginally. The doctor instructed me to wet the pills before inserting them - so I did that and we sat down to watch a movie and wait.

15:45 - I took a pain pill given to me by my doctor in Prague. I had read to make sure to stay on top of taking pain meds so that the pain didn't become overwhelming. 

16:00 - I started to experience slight cramps - similar to when I first start my period.

17:00 - Very faint brown spotting, slightly more intense cramps and nausea.

18:00 - Cramps ramping up to full pain period cramps. No more spotting and no blood at all. I did however poop a lot. I think my body was getting ready.

18:45 - Cramps were debilitating. I was moaning out loud for about an hour. There was nothing I could do to relieve the pain. I tried sitting on the toilet, walking around, rocking back and forth, using the hot water bottle, breathing though the pain and into the pain (I could hardly take a full breath and felt like I was hyperventilating) Jason tried to massage my back, hold my hand, I listened to loud rhythmic music -- NOTHING worked. I told Jason that I didn't think I could do it. I wanted to go to the hospital but there was no way I could make the trip.

19:50 - While moaning on the couch, my mouth filled with saliva and I sprinted toward the toilet and violently threw up. Jason says that I wasn't able to take a breath for about a minute because I was uncontrollably vomiting. He might have been a little worried at that point. From there, the constant contractions let up and I had a break of a minute or two in between contractions.  Even though the period cramps were still there between the contractions, I actually dozed off between contractions - I was exhausted.

20:30 - Jason convinced me to take some Aleve. I am afraid of drugs and was afraid to mix the medicine that my doc gave me (which did absolutely NOTHING) with Aleve. But Jason persisted and I needed pain relief. 

21:30 - Contractions were few and far between and the cramps were like heavy period cramps. We decided to resume our movie to take my mind off of the pain.

22:00 - First gush of blood and clots.

22:45 - Heavy cramps continue, no more blood.

23:15 - Ate a piece of pizza as I felt completely depleted. Just after it felt like my vagina was going to split open (different from the uterine contractions).

23:45 - Pain in vagina was intense and sitting on the toilet seemed to help. Thick blood started pouring out as well as clots of blood. Something white came out - turned out to be one of the cytotec pills. More blood but not as much as I expected and then there was a loud plop in the toilet. I fished out the mass and it was a clump of tissue and the gestational sac. Before this, I kept looking to see if I could discern what was what but this was obviously the gestational sac. It was a clear/grayish fluid filled sac and the embryo could be seen floating in the fluid as well as a clump of tissue attached - I assume placenta. I immediately felt better. The pain lessened and from there it was mostly like a normal period. I did wear a Depends to sleep in because I was still expecting more blood and I didn't want to bleed everywhere. AND this was nothing like a heavy period. I had a mini labor and I assume that taking cytotec is somewhat like taking pitocin to induce labor - where the pain comes on fast and furious. I wish that I had stronger pain meds or some natural breathing techniques to deal with the pain.

Over the next 48 hrs I passed more tissue and experienced more intense pain around that time. Occasionally I would randomly have intense contractions. In general, I would say that my uterus felt like someone had drop kicked it. I experienced some pain while peeing and pooping  for the next few days and had really bad intestinal cramps. 

On Sunday I went back to the hospital to confirm that everything had passed and indeed it had. I bled for a total of 6 days and still continue to spot although it is hardly noticeable now. It was a crazy experience and although I felt like I was prepared - I don't think anything could have really prepared me for that experience. Jason, as always, was so supportive and took such good care of me. This process has been extremely hard on us but fortunately, it has brought us closer together and I really couldn't wish for a better husband. We have a plan moving forward but I will save that for another blog post. Much love.  

*************************WARNING, graphic photo below*****************************

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