Waiting and waiting.

Our little blastocyst.

A video showing the normal development of an embryo, not mine.

On Saturday, we retrieved 3 eggs. 

On Sunday we found out 2 were immature and the third fertilized. We were told to call on Monday at 8am to find out what time the transfer would be that day. 

On Monday our one embryo was only 3 cells and we were told that it was not developing fast enough and to call back on Tuesday. They said it was a grade 2 embryo (grade 1 is the best). 

Tuesday we were told that the embryo was still growing but only at 5 cells so to call back on Wednesday but we would not transfer until Thursday. 

On Wednesday we called and were told that the embryo was 8 cells but that it should be 16 cells by now. It had started to compact which was a good sign. They said it was bordering between a grade 2 and 3 - not a good sign. The embryologist did say that embryos can repair themselves and go on to develop into healthy babies. She also mentioned that we may not transfer until Friday... 

This morning I called and she said - I have good news! - it is in the early stages of a blastocyst so we will transfer today. What a relief! This means that we have a chance to become pregnant this cycle. The blastocyst is still bordering between a 2 and a 3 but many healthy babies have born with this grading.

The waiting has been so hard!!! It is all hard.  I already feel so attached to this glob of cells. I want them to grow and develop into a tiny human. There are moments (or long periods of time) where I feel like I will never become a mother, where I feel the darkness creeping in, where I let the doubt take over. My modus operandi is to shut down and put up walls in order to not feel. Many of you know that I have experienced the loss of both of my parents. My mother was murdered when I was 8 - an unsolved murder - though a serial killer is suspected, it is a cold case. And my father died when I was 18 and the cause of his death has been questioned. I am not sure if I could have done anything differently during that time - shutting down was an act of self preservation. I had to be strong to get through. Now though, I have so many loving people in my life that I can let those walls down without fear of being swallowed up by the darkness. It does not come naturally to me however. It actually feels quite uncomfortable at times. I will confess that I am emotionally stunted and often revert to acting like an 8 year old. But there are people in my life that love me in spite of these faults and continually help show me what it means to love and be loved. Several women came to mind while I was waiting for the embryo retrieval on Saturday - Rachel from Camp Glen Arden, Kimi from boarding school, and Cheryl from Prescott. I am not in close contact with these women today but for some reason I am still surrounded by the love they showed me all those years ago. 

I want so badly to be a mother - there are many reasons why and one of them is wanting to know what the love of a mother feels like. I don't have real memories of my mother but I am told that she loved me very much. It feels like being a mother will complete the circle. That I will somehow know her love for me by feeling love for my own child. If the love I feel for a glob of cells is any indication of what is to come, it is quite possible that my heart might explode.

After the phone call this morning, Jason went for a run and I listened to a few guided meditations and practiced yoga to help prepare my body. One of the meditations asked me to picture in my mind's eye our family after the birth. I could see us so clearly - Jason, myself and our baby. I will hold that image with me and believe that it will be. I could not do this without Jason, he loves me so much - even all jacked up on hormones. 

And now, we wait some more. 2 weeks to be exact. Hopefully northern France will be a good distraction. From there, I think we will head to Denmark by way of Belgium and the Netherlands. First though, we will spend 2 days in Frankfurt so Jason can take his test for his radiographer registry.

Send all the good energy you can to our little blastocyst in my uterus (I have created a song where blastocyst and uterus rhyme - it is quite catchy.)

xo - katherine

p.s. Our long term visa application was approved! We waited to apply until we were in Europe. A bit risky but that's our style.