Egg donor!!

The clinic sent an email and they have found an egg donor for us!!! We are SO thrilled!! She has donated 4 prior times and they retrieved 22 and 42 eggs in her last 2 donor cycles and both resulted in live births in the last year. The plan for the timeline is that she will come off of birth control pills on February 5th and they estimate that the egg retrieval will be around February 20. From there they will fertilize the eggs with Jason's frozen sperm that's on ice at the clinic and then the embryo's will undergo PGS testing. It takes about 2-4 weeks for the results but we will know in time for my cycle in March!! YAY!!!

I'll need to be on Decpaptyl for the first 7 days of my cycle -- I just need to figure out how to get it as I can't seem to find it here in the US... It does the same thing as Lupron but as I just found out, Lupron is SO EXPENSIVE!! I'll need to do an ultrasound on day 15 of my cycle and anticipate a transfer around cycle day  17-20 and then they want me to wait several days before flying home. Soooo... here is the tentative plan, I'll fly out on March 8 and arrive on March 9 -which should be cycle day 13 but it gives me a little buffer in case my cycle length isn't what I anticipate (I wish I had a crystal ball!!) and then I'll fly home on March 21 which also gives me a little buffer on the back side.

I am going to book my flight tomorrow after talking to my supervisor... I've only been there a week but I am hopeful that it won't be an issue! Fingers crossed! I feel so much better knowing that we have a donor and that she's done this before. 

xo-katherine

Delay

I am so angry right now!! I just finally received an email from Iscare about my donor cycle and they still have not located a donor. Not only have they not located a donor but they are saying that my FET (frozen embryo transfer)  donor egg cycle will be delayed because the PGS testing is taking 2-4 weeks right now. That means that I am waiting 2 more cycles before I can have the FET. UGH!!! I really am SO disappointed. My plan was to try this past cycle - I am awaiting my period and it should arrive in the next few days (unless I am pregnant, yeah right) and then head to Prague after the next cycle. My next cycle should be starting around February 25 and now having to wait until the following cycle around March 22. That means I would go to Prague sometime around the last few days of March and the FET would happen sometime in the first week of April. I know a month in the big scheme of things sounds like no bug deal, right. Well to me it feels like a fucking eternity. Great opportunity for me to practice patience, you say - screw patience. 

We have been actively trying to get pregnant since June 2014. I am finally ready to move onto donor eggs and now I have to wait even longer. I am 38 years old and now I will definitely be 39 by the time I give birth (if it works). Not to mention that will put me with a due date right around Christmas. Yes, I will have a baby ANYTIME - but if I had a choice I wouldn't choose for the due date to be around Christmas. I feel like I am just wasting the days away until I have a baby. I know that sounds horrible. I love my husband and I cherish every day I have with him but I am ready to add to our family. NOW. I am making an real effort to not waste away my days and to enjoy them while we wait - people like to say, oh enjoy it now because you'll miss it once it is gone (ARG! that statement is so annoying) - but today after getting the email all I want to do is crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head and cry away the days. Of course, I just started a new job so I don't get to do that. 

I sent a sternly worded email conveying my disappointment regarding this delay. There is nothing else I can do. I have no say in this process and that is EXTREMELY frustrating. So instead, I listen to my infertility playlist and cry and hope and wish that some day I will be a mother.

Below are some screen shots of my current playlist that is ever changing. I couldn't figure out how to copy the list...

Some of the songs have a word or two that connect with me, others have a whole verse or the chorus. On occasion the whole song speaks to me. With some of my favorites, the words don't relate at all but it is the feeling of the song that gets me - like the Eddie Veder songs. Zombie by the Cranberries has the same feeling to me as my miscarriage. I know that sounds crazy but when the song peaks in the middle (around 3:30min) when she's singing oh, oh, oh.... it is lyrically the same feeling as when I was at the height of my miscarriage. That one cam make me really sob. Some are love songs that people relate to romantic love but I equate with the feeling or longing for a child - like A Thousand Years by Christina Perry. There are three of her songs on my playlist. I love her. One of my absolute favorite songs is My Silver Lining by First Aid Kit. This song was in an advertisement in the movie theatre in Prague and the words are so PERFECT. I love everything about this song. When she says I hear a voice calling out to me - to me I think of it as the soul of my child trying to get to me. 

Everything including the kitchen sink.

I thought I'd start the blog with a pic of us from Prague. This was taken in our first few days there - sometime around the first week of June.

As usual, my mind is on baby making. I got my period 31 days after my miscarriage (I am usually a 25 or 26 day cycle). So I was happy that it didn't take forever for my HCG to drop back down. I took a HPT (home pregnancy test) just to confirm that it was negative because I refused to pay the $150 to have my blood tested. It is not as accurate as it is only sensitive to 25 mUI but with the return of the period I feel pretty sure it has dropped. I met with my OB and let my RE in Prague know we were going to try one more cycle here while we are waiting until I can go back to Prague. 

I took Femara on CD 3-9. By taking Femara, we are hoping to produce more follicles in the hopes that we can do this the natural way. In addition, I had acupuncture this cycle and my acupuncturist suggested that I see the local voodoo doc (he is actually a chiropractor). He deal is muscle testing so we tested all sorts of food, allergens and other things like fungus and bacteria. He put me on a strict diet - no nightshades, no caffeine (including chocolate, ACK!!!), no sugar including honey and maple syrup (stevia is ok), no vinegar, soy sauce, miso, yeast or cheese (other dairy is ok), no corn, no pork, no avocado and no beets. And of course, no alcohol. Boo! I do get to eat grains (yay!!)  but not bread because of the yeast. I also tested for fungus and virus so I have 2 supplements that I am taking - 2 pills of Woad 3 times a day and 3 pills of Undecyn 3 times a day - that is 15 pills a day!! I have no idea what exactly those are targeting but I will try anything!! I am 10 days into the voodoo doctors protocol. I see him on Friday and hopefully I can eat bacon and chocolate again. 

There are a few other over the counter drugs that women often take and I am trying them all! I took Mucinex leading up to ovulation - it is suppose to help thin your cervical mucus to help Jason's swimmers get where they need to go. I am also taking my temperature every morning to help pinpoint ovulation as well as ovulation predictor strips. Usually they say to use one a day to detect LH surge but in the past I have never gotten a positive so I decided to use 4 a day around when I though I might ovulate. It is like a HPT where you pee on a stick and wait to see the line appear except for OPK's need to be the same color as the control line. I actually got a positive on CD13 at 3pm! See pic below. 

The other over the counter drugs I am taking are Claritin once a day, Pepcid 2x a day and Benadryl at night. The thought is that women with unexplained losses take this cocktail of meds to help dampen down the immune system a bit around implantation - so you start taking it around 3-4DPO (days past ovulation). In the cycle that I got pregnant, I was on predinsone (which can be substituted for the benadryl)  but my RE doesn't want me to take it until we are doing the donor cycle. Today I am 3DPO so I am starting that protocol today. I also am going to start nightly guided meditations where I picture myself pregnant with a huge belly. Also, I am keeping my feet warm and the pineapple eating will commence on 5DPO. I am also taking a baby aspirin a day to help with any clotting problems as well as my prenatal and DHA.

Writing it all out makes me feel like a crazy person. I guess I am but I don't really care. I really want to have a child and why not give it everything we've got before I head back over to Prague for our donor cycle. The donor cycle will likely take place around the first half of March. So if we don't get pregnant naturally this cycle then I will book my tickets for Prague sometime at the end of the month. Hopefully I will hear something about the donor sometime soon. 

Emotionally, I still have my moments of hysterical crying. Usually is is a pic on FaceBook or a song that sets me off. Last week after hearing of another friends pregnancy, I made an infertility playlist most of the songs are sad but there are a few hopeful ones in there too. I play it when I need a good cry. It seems to do the job. Any suggestions for my playlist?

xo - katherine