Delay

I am so angry right now!! I just finally received an email from Iscare about my donor cycle and they still have not located a donor. Not only have they not located a donor but they are saying that my FET (frozen embryo transfer)  donor egg cycle will be delayed because the PGS testing is taking 2-4 weeks right now. That means that I am waiting 2 more cycles before I can have the FET. UGH!!! I really am SO disappointed. My plan was to try this past cycle - I am awaiting my period and it should arrive in the next few days (unless I am pregnant, yeah right) and then head to Prague after the next cycle. My next cycle should be starting around February 25 and now having to wait until the following cycle around March 22. That means I would go to Prague sometime around the last few days of March and the FET would happen sometime in the first week of April. I know a month in the big scheme of things sounds like no bug deal, right. Well to me it feels like a fucking eternity. Great opportunity for me to practice patience, you say - screw patience. 

We have been actively trying to get pregnant since June 2014. I am finally ready to move onto donor eggs and now I have to wait even longer. I am 38 years old and now I will definitely be 39 by the time I give birth (if it works). Not to mention that will put me with a due date right around Christmas. Yes, I will have a baby ANYTIME - but if I had a choice I wouldn't choose for the due date to be around Christmas. I feel like I am just wasting the days away until I have a baby. I know that sounds horrible. I love my husband and I cherish every day I have with him but I am ready to add to our family. NOW. I am making an real effort to not waste away my days and to enjoy them while we wait - people like to say, oh enjoy it now because you'll miss it once it is gone (ARG! that statement is so annoying) - but today after getting the email all I want to do is crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head and cry away the days. Of course, I just started a new job so I don't get to do that. 

I sent a sternly worded email conveying my disappointment regarding this delay. There is nothing else I can do. I have no say in this process and that is EXTREMELY frustrating. So instead, I listen to my infertility playlist and cry and hope and wish that some day I will be a mother.

Below are some screen shots of my current playlist that is ever changing. I couldn't figure out how to copy the list...

Some of the songs have a word or two that connect with me, others have a whole verse or the chorus. On occasion the whole song speaks to me. With some of my favorites, the words don't relate at all but it is the feeling of the song that gets me - like the Eddie Veder songs. Zombie by the Cranberries has the same feeling to me as my miscarriage. I know that sounds crazy but when the song peaks in the middle (around 3:30min) when she's singing oh, oh, oh.... it is lyrically the same feeling as when I was at the height of my miscarriage. That one cam make me really sob. Some are love songs that people relate to romantic love but I equate with the feeling or longing for a child - like A Thousand Years by Christina Perry. There are three of her songs on my playlist. I love her. One of my absolute favorite songs is My Silver Lining by First Aid Kit. This song was in an advertisement in the movie theatre in Prague and the words are so PERFECT. I love everything about this song. When she says I hear a voice calling out to me - to me I think of it as the soul of my child trying to get to me.