Til it happens to you

I feel like we just can't catch a break.

The egg retrieval was on 2/17. They retrieved 15 eggs and 12 were mature. Already I was devastated as I know how this numbers game works and the numbers can dwindle down so fast.

2/18 - I found out only 8 were fertilized. WTF. They said they would check them again on day 5 of their growth so 2/22. The waiting sucked.

Today - As they are 8 hours ahead in Prague, when I woke up to pee at 1:00 am, I called the clinic to find out how many made it... only 2 made it. I cried for a long while.

WTF. WTF. WTF.

Seriously.

How did we end up with so few when the numbers from her previous cycles were so amazing. Why did so few fertilize? Why did even fewer make it to day 5. I just feel like giving up. The heartbreak feels like too much.

Jason remains positive. And continue to tell me not to worry. How do I not worry? I would give anything to not worry. To sleep through the night. To not cry every day. To feel confident that I will one day be a mother.  To not have feelings of jealousness and bitterness toward my pregnant friends. This one is a hard one for me - yes I love my girlfriends and I am happy for them but at times (most of the time) it is just to much for me to put on a happy face and share in their joy. So instead, I stay home and isolate myself so I don't suck the happiness out of everyone, like the Nothing. Yay me. I have nothing positive to offer out of this, no silver lining.

And now I leave you with a song that while was written about a very different subject, the emotions of the song resonates with me and how I feel.