Getting out of bed

Thursday morning, we called to check on our embryo and to find out when we should come in for the transfer - unfortunately, the embryologist informed us that the egg didn't fertilize. She did say that they would continue to watch it for another 24hrs just to be sure. This morning she confirmed the results and said the cycle was canceled. 

What a blow. I had such a good feeling about this cycle. For one, it was a natural cycle so my body wouldn't be all jacked up on hormones and might be more willing to accept the embryo. Then there is the old saying - third time's a charm! (I'll grasp onto anything at this point.) But mostly, I thought about the wonderful outpouring of support and love we have received. I was thinking of all the candles being lit. Of all the prayers and positive energy being sent our way. I asked people to take time out of their lives to hold space for our baby to be - surely the universe wouldn't disappoint.  

And yet, there I lay, sobbing in my bed after hearing the news from the embryologist. I cried and Jason held me. After awhile, I stopped crying and Jason got up to make us smoothies. I was sad and angry and trying to make sense of why this was happening. I proceeded to lay in bed and read my book, cry, and wonder what will happen if we never get pregnant. I got out of bed when Jason made us lunch and cleaned the dishes after (so I didn't feel completely worthless) and then hopped right back in bed and proceeded to repeat the mornings activities - read, cry, wonder. Late in the afternoon I decided to get out of bed and shower - my heart was tired and my body hurt from all the laying around. You would think after doing nothing all day I would have a lot of energy to burn but I just felt exhausted. I needed to get out of the house so we decided to go to the movies. I ended the day with some heart nurturing yoga and vowed that tomorrow I would get out of bed.

I realize that yesterday wasn't filled with a lot of nothing - it was filled with a lot of grieving. Jason says he feels disappointed about this cycle but remains hopeful and I vacillate between feeling completely hopeless and feeling like no matter what happens, I will be ok.  I am not ready to completely give up on my dream of being pregnant and becoming a mother but I also feel like I need to prepare myself for that possibility.

I feel the need to end this post on a positive note so that it is not so depressing for others to read, so that people don't feel uncomfortable, so that I can project this strong image of myself but I feel sad and depressed and I do want to crawl back in bed. Honestly, this blog has become a way for me to process my emotions and this is where I am right now. However, I will keep my vow to not crawl back into bed. 

I can't say thank you enough for all the love and support we have received. Each and every comment, message, phone call, and text are greatly appreciated.

xo - katherine