Light a candle

We had 2 ultrasounds this week and were told we had 2 follicles from our natural (un-medicated) cycle. We were thrilled! This morning we went in for the egg retrieval. I found out upon arrival that it would be done while I was awake - read, no anesthesia. Yikes! Upon entering the procedure room I told the doctor I was scared and then I started crying. The procedure started out with  a vaginal wash (fyi - it is totally weird having someone wash your vagina inside and out, especially when they squirt water up there). The doctor then inserted the vaginal ultrasound probe (with a retractable needle!!!) and the real procedure began. The sweet nurse that speaks no English came over and held my hand while I looked at the ultrasound screen. I felt a stick and squealed as I watched the black space mostly disappear on the screen. Then she poked several times (OUCH!) at the remaining black space and seemed to struggle - the whole thing lasted maybe 1 minute. She said the tissue was abnormal and there was no follicle - it was a cyst. A little lost in translation - I thought for about 30 seconds that there was nothing at all, as in it was all abnormal. So I cried harder. Then the sweet nurse excitedly repeated what the embryologist announced (I can only assume as she was speaking Czech) and the doctor translated to say that she retrieved one egg from the first follicle. Relief. Then, I proceeded to sob. The doctor asked if I was in pain; I said no, I just really want to have a baby.

So now we wait. This whole process has felt like a lot of anxious, emotional waiting. Waiting to see if I have eggs, waiting to see if they fertilize, waiting to see if they develop normally, waiting to see if I am pregnant. It is all completely out of my control, there is nothing I can do. I was FaceTiming with my sister-in-law, Elaine, and she asked if she could light a candle and say a little prayer to the Patron Saint of Infertility, St Anthony - that way she felt like she was doing something - I said, yes please!! We decided to copy her idea (even though we are not Catholic) and light a candle and send a little wish off. So, if you have time, light a candle and hold space for our baby to be.

xo - katherine

ps - expect a blog update soon on our most recent travels to Germany, France, Belgium and the Netherlands.