PART 2 of the (very) bumpy road

Somehow my whole post was not published so I will continue the story here...

After eating some very bland "real food" I was sent home to recover. I was out on sick leave for the whole week as I was still experiencing pain and totally depleted from eating next to nothing. I am still in some pain now but I am back at work.

Now back to the embryo's...

While in the hospital, I received two bits of news - first was that only one of our little snowflakes was normal. They guaranteed us two so they are on the hunt for another donor. In addition, my IVF doc instructed me to stop all of my medications and to cancel my trip to Prague due to the pancreatitis. I am so sad that I am not on a flight right now headed to Prague... I was supposed to leave today. Boo!!!

Then to make matters worse, my OB, who ran some tests for my RE in Prague called to tell me that I have a positive antiphospholipid antibody (APA) which is an autoimmune test and that she was going to refer me to the high-risk OB so they can help me through this process. What she said it basically means is that it can be a challenge for those with a positive APA to carry a pregnancy to full term and that I would need to be on injectable blood thinners for my entire pregnancy. She said she has one patient that has only ever made it to 20 weeks - with no live births and another who with the help of blood thinners just gave birth. So, yay another something to complicate this whole mess. I really am sick of hearing myself complain but WHAT THE FUCK. I am ready for a break. Seriously.

I did talk to my RE in Prague today and he assured me that we can do a natural cycle FET (so no estrogen or lupron) but that I would need to be in Prague from around ~day 7 of my cycle until day ~25 of my cycle. That is almost 3 weeks and I had just enough sick leave to cover the 2 weeks I was to be gone for this trip. Hopefully my work is ok with me taking 3 weeks of leave and about 2 weeks of it will have to be without pay. The reason that I want to do a no estrogen cycle is that estrogen can cause pancreatitis however I do not think that was the cause as I hadn't been on any estrogen for months when the pain appeared and I had only started it the day before I had the severe pancreatitis attack. In addition, he wants to transfer our one genetically normal embryo as well as an untested embryo from the new donor. It is kind of crazy to think that we could have two children with different biological mothers. Weird.

So now I have to wait for them to find a donor and I am not sure how long that will take... ugh so frustrating!! I am so ready to be a mother but there is nothing I can do except to try to get my body ready -- On the agenda is more yoga, starting a meditation practice and to try and be in the moment.

The (very) bumpy road

I just realized that half of my post didn't show up. I will post another blog update with the rest of the story...


Where do I start?

Last week I had been contact with the clinic discussing the various scenarios regarding our 2 frozen embryos and the doctor was having the results rushed. We were to call on Tuesday (March 1) to find out the fate of our little snowflakes. This was good news, as I would know before flying to Prague if we would have anything to transfer. This would also determine if the clinic would be searching for another donor - we were guaranteed 2 normal embryos.

Now to back up a bit, over the past month I have been having this pain in my abdomen. Sometimes it was just a little uncomfortable, once I considered going to the hospital but mostly it was this nagging pain that I chocked up to stress -- maybe an ulcer?

On Saturday, I had some pain after lunch but nothing to severe. Later that day I had a glass of red wine while making chicken pot pie with Jason's sister Kim -- while sitting down to eat I was hit with a hot flash and felt ill. At first I thought it was a side effect of the medications I was on to prepare for my frozen transfer in March but then the same pain in my abdomen returned and it was so severe I couldn't find a way to get comfortable. I kept moving around from the bathroom to the bedroom to the living room, trying to get comfortable. Jason brought me a cold wash cloth but nothing seemed to help. Finally I told Jason that we needed to go to the hospital. On my way out to the garage, I threw up and thought I sure hope that I am not going to the hospital for something silly like the flu. Once we get there the waiting game begins. The pain had subsided and I considered in my mind just going home. I think we waited about 1.5 hours until we were taken back to a room. They hooked me up to an IV after taking some blood. I refused pain meds as the pain was nothing like it was when I cam in and chatted with the doc about the options - possibly my gallbladder. After an hour or so, he comes back in and says -- well it's not your gallbladder, you have pancreatitis. What??!? My labs showed that my lipase was just under 7000 and the value was supposed to be less than 400. Damn. The doc said that I could finally have some water and if I tolerated that without pain, then I could go home. 

Long story short, I was admitted into the hospital and stayed for 3 days. I was on a clear liquid diet for the whole time I was admitted until I wanted to go home then I had to eat real food. 

Til it happens to you

I feel like we just can't catch a break.

The egg retrieval was on 2/17. They retrieved 15 eggs and 12 were mature. Already I was devastated as I know how this numbers game works and the numbers can dwindle down so fast.

2/18 - I found out only 8 were fertilized. WTF. They said they would check them again on day 5 of their growth so 2/22. The waiting sucked.

Today - As they are 8 hours ahead in Prague, when I woke up to pee at 1:00 am, I called the clinic to find out how many made it... only 2 made it. I cried for a long while.

WTF. WTF. WTF.

Seriously.

How did we end up with so few when the numbers from her previous cycles were so amazing. Why did so few fertilize? Why did even fewer make it to day 5. I just feel like giving up. The heartbreak feels like too much.

Jason remains positive. And continue to tell me not to worry. How do I not worry? I would give anything to not worry. To sleep through the night. To not cry every day. To feel confident that I will one day be a mother.  To not have feelings of jealousness and bitterness toward my pregnant friends. This one is a hard one for me - yes I love my girlfriends and I am happy for them but at times (most of the time) it is just to much for me to put on a happy face and share in their joy. So instead, I stay home and isolate myself so I don't suck the happiness out of everyone, like the Nothing. Yay me. I have nothing positive to offer out of this, no silver lining.

And now I leave you with a song that while was written about a very different subject, the emotions of the song resonates with me and how I feel.

Egg donor!!

The clinic sent an email and they have found an egg donor for us!!! We are SO thrilled!! She has donated 4 prior times and they retrieved 22 and 42 eggs in her last 2 donor cycles and both resulted in live births in the last year. The plan for the timeline is that she will come off of birth control pills on February 5th and they estimate that the egg retrieval will be around February 20. From there they will fertilize the eggs with Jason's frozen sperm that's on ice at the clinic and then the embryo's will undergo PGS testing. It takes about 2-4 weeks for the results but we will know in time for my cycle in March!! YAY!!!

I'll need to be on Decpaptyl for the first 7 days of my cycle -- I just need to figure out how to get it as I can't seem to find it here in the US... It does the same thing as Lupron but as I just found out, Lupron is SO EXPENSIVE!! I'll need to do an ultrasound on day 15 of my cycle and anticipate a transfer around cycle day  17-20 and then they want me to wait several days before flying home. Soooo... here is the tentative plan, I'll fly out on March 8 and arrive on March 9 -which should be cycle day 13 but it gives me a little buffer in case my cycle length isn't what I anticipate (I wish I had a crystal ball!!) and then I'll fly home on March 21 which also gives me a little buffer on the back side.

I am going to book my flight tomorrow after talking to my supervisor... I've only been there a week but I am hopeful that it won't be an issue! Fingers crossed! I feel so much better knowing that we have a donor and that she's done this before. 

xo-katherine

Delay

I am so angry right now!! I just finally received an email from Iscare about my donor cycle and they still have not located a donor. Not only have they not located a donor but they are saying that my FET (frozen embryo transfer)  donor egg cycle will be delayed because the PGS testing is taking 2-4 weeks right now. That means that I am waiting 2 more cycles before I can have the FET. UGH!!! I really am SO disappointed. My plan was to try this past cycle - I am awaiting my period and it should arrive in the next few days (unless I am pregnant, yeah right) and then head to Prague after the next cycle. My next cycle should be starting around February 25 and now having to wait until the following cycle around March 22. That means I would go to Prague sometime around the last few days of March and the FET would happen sometime in the first week of April. I know a month in the big scheme of things sounds like no bug deal, right. Well to me it feels like a fucking eternity. Great opportunity for me to practice patience, you say - screw patience. 

We have been actively trying to get pregnant since June 2014. I am finally ready to move onto donor eggs and now I have to wait even longer. I am 38 years old and now I will definitely be 39 by the time I give birth (if it works). Not to mention that will put me with a due date right around Christmas. Yes, I will have a baby ANYTIME - but if I had a choice I wouldn't choose for the due date to be around Christmas. I feel like I am just wasting the days away until I have a baby. I know that sounds horrible. I love my husband and I cherish every day I have with him but I am ready to add to our family. NOW. I am making an real effort to not waste away my days and to enjoy them while we wait - people like to say, oh enjoy it now because you'll miss it once it is gone (ARG! that statement is so annoying) - but today after getting the email all I want to do is crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head and cry away the days. Of course, I just started a new job so I don't get to do that. 

I sent a sternly worded email conveying my disappointment regarding this delay. There is nothing else I can do. I have no say in this process and that is EXTREMELY frustrating. So instead, I listen to my infertility playlist and cry and hope and wish that some day I will be a mother.

Below are some screen shots of my current playlist that is ever changing. I couldn't figure out how to copy the list...

Some of the songs have a word or two that connect with me, others have a whole verse or the chorus. On occasion the whole song speaks to me. With some of my favorites, the words don't relate at all but it is the feeling of the song that gets me - like the Eddie Veder songs. Zombie by the Cranberries has the same feeling to me as my miscarriage. I know that sounds crazy but when the song peaks in the middle (around 3:30min) when she's singing oh, oh, oh.... it is lyrically the same feeling as when I was at the height of my miscarriage. That one cam make me really sob. Some are love songs that people relate to romantic love but I equate with the feeling or longing for a child - like A Thousand Years by Christina Perry. There are three of her songs on my playlist. I love her. One of my absolute favorite songs is My Silver Lining by First Aid Kit. This song was in an advertisement in the movie theatre in Prague and the words are so PERFECT. I love everything about this song. When she says I hear a voice calling out to me - to me I think of it as the soul of my child trying to get to me. 

Everything including the kitchen sink.

I thought I'd start the blog with a pic of us from Prague. This was taken in our first few days there - sometime around the first week of June.

As usual, my mind is on baby making. I got my period 31 days after my miscarriage (I am usually a 25 or 26 day cycle). So I was happy that it didn't take forever for my HCG to drop back down. I took a HPT (home pregnancy test) just to confirm that it was negative because I refused to pay the $150 to have my blood tested. It is not as accurate as it is only sensitive to 25 mUI but with the return of the period I feel pretty sure it has dropped. I met with my OB and let my RE in Prague know we were going to try one more cycle here while we are waiting until I can go back to Prague. 

I took Femara on CD 3-9. By taking Femara, we are hoping to produce more follicles in the hopes that we can do this the natural way. In addition, I had acupuncture this cycle and my acupuncturist suggested that I see the local voodoo doc (he is actually a chiropractor). He deal is muscle testing so we tested all sorts of food, allergens and other things like fungus and bacteria. He put me on a strict diet - no nightshades, no caffeine (including chocolate, ACK!!!), no sugar including honey and maple syrup (stevia is ok), no vinegar, soy sauce, miso, yeast or cheese (other dairy is ok), no corn, no pork, no avocado and no beets. And of course, no alcohol. Boo! I do get to eat grains (yay!!)  but not bread because of the yeast. I also tested for fungus and virus so I have 2 supplements that I am taking - 2 pills of Woad 3 times a day and 3 pills of Undecyn 3 times a day - that is 15 pills a day!! I have no idea what exactly those are targeting but I will try anything!! I am 10 days into the voodoo doctors protocol. I see him on Friday and hopefully I can eat bacon and chocolate again. 

There are a few other over the counter drugs that women often take and I am trying them all! I took Mucinex leading up to ovulation - it is suppose to help thin your cervical mucus to help Jason's swimmers get where they need to go. I am also taking my temperature every morning to help pinpoint ovulation as well as ovulation predictor strips. Usually they say to use one a day to detect LH surge but in the past I have never gotten a positive so I decided to use 4 a day around when I though I might ovulate. It is like a HPT where you pee on a stick and wait to see the line appear except for OPK's need to be the same color as the control line. I actually got a positive on CD13 at 3pm! See pic below. 

The other over the counter drugs I am taking are Claritin once a day, Pepcid 2x a day and Benadryl at night. The thought is that women with unexplained losses take this cocktail of meds to help dampen down the immune system a bit around implantation - so you start taking it around 3-4DPO (days past ovulation). In the cycle that I got pregnant, I was on predinsone (which can be substituted for the benadryl)  but my RE doesn't want me to take it until we are doing the donor cycle. Today I am 3DPO so I am starting that protocol today. I also am going to start nightly guided meditations where I picture myself pregnant with a huge belly. Also, I am keeping my feet warm and the pineapple eating will commence on 5DPO. I am also taking a baby aspirin a day to help with any clotting problems as well as my prenatal and DHA.

Writing it all out makes me feel like a crazy person. I guess I am but I don't really care. I really want to have a child and why not give it everything we've got before I head back over to Prague for our donor cycle. The donor cycle will likely take place around the first half of March. So if we don't get pregnant naturally this cycle then I will book my tickets for Prague sometime at the end of the month. Hopefully I will hear something about the donor sometime soon. 

Emotionally, I still have my moments of hysterical crying. Usually is is a pic on FaceBook or a song that sets me off. Last week after hearing of another friends pregnancy, I made an infertility playlist most of the songs are sad but there are a few hopeful ones in there too. I play it when I need a good cry. It seems to do the job. Any suggestions for my playlist?

xo - katherine

The wonderful, the difficult and the plan.

What a whirlwind the last few weeks have been! We arrived back in Colorado on December 12th and decided it was a good idea to move into our new house on December 13 - the one we bought and closed on while we were in Prague. We had an outpouring of love from our friends and family. They showed up with 7 trucks and 4 trailers and moved us from our storage units into our house in about 4 hours. Not to mention that my entire kitchen was unpacked and put away in that process. Jason's family stocked our kitchen so we were able to start cooking at home right away. It was such a thoughtful and really really wonderful gift. This is the exact reason we returned to GJ - not because we have friends and family that do things for us but because we have friends and family who love us and want to help us despite having busy lives of their own. This has been a wonderful but also difficult transition back. 

The wonderful: First and foremost, WILLIE NELSON!! So happy to be reunited. Now for the rest of the wonderfulness... Jason was hired on at St. Mary's and started on December 21. This was a big day for us as Jason has been working up to a new career for some time and it finally became a reality! Go Jason!! Due to the holidays, he gets a soft start which is helpful in transitioning back into work. I interviewed with the VA hospital for a Time and Leave Clerk position on December 21 and was offered the job that day. Go me! While this position is not my dream job, it does have some dreamy qualities - health benefits and the unrestricted use of the label maker. It is another federal position for me so I will have all of my sick leave restored as well as similar pay despite it being at a lower grade. I don't start for a few weeks which is helpful in getting fully unpacked. We spent the holidays in Montrose and were able to see most of Jason's immediate family. We ate amazing food, played cards, loved on each other and of course played non-stop with the nieces and nephews. Love love love those kiddos. And we saw Star Wars!

The difficult: I have such conflicting feelings and it is hard to manage them at times. Yes, I am excited to be home and have an awesome new house (despite having to sink a chunk of change into the water pipes). Yes, I am thrilled to see family and friends. But here is the hard part... the guest bedroom was suppose to be a baby room. This Christmas I was suppose to give Jason baby related gifts and vice versa. Seeing friends was suppose to be filled with heart-felt congratulations instead of not knowing what to say so nothing is said. I am happy to see friends and I want to bust out crying. I feel selfish for talking about what I am feeling. What do I do in this situation? I don't want to make people uncomfortable by talking about my heartache and people don't talk about what has happened - but why? I have been so open with everything but I have to realize that people just don't know what to say or don't want to bring it up for fear of causing more pain or it is a topic they just are not comfortable discussing. I understand that it is an uncomfortable topic but a simple acknowledgement goes a long way. On the flip side, I have had many women reach out to me and share their heartache. Women I hardly know offering words of encouragement and understanding  and just because I am an open book doesn't mean that I can expect everyone else to be. I am still feeling all the feelings about my miscarriage and infertility and if someone brings it up and I start crying it is another step on my journey to heal. So don't worry that you are causing more heartache - you aren't. You are helping me to be heard and feel what I need to feel so I can heal. No one should read this and feel obligated to say anything or bad if they haven't - I just want to share my feelings so I can try and heal.

The plan: We do have a plan. The clinic in Prague is looking for an egg donor match. She will take all of the medications and her eggs will be retrieved and fertilized with Jason's sperm that they have frozen at the clinic. After testing them, I will return for about a week and a half to Prague for a FET (frozen embryo transfer) sometime hopefully in late February early March depending on when my periods return to normal after the miscarriage. I now know I can get pregnant so now we just need to find the one that will stick. 

xo -katherine