The wonderful, the difficult and the plan.

What a whirlwind the last few weeks have been! We arrived back in Colorado on December 12th and decided it was a good idea to move into our new house on December 13 - the one we bought and closed on while we were in Prague. We had an outpouring of love from our friends and family. They showed up with 7 trucks and 4 trailers and moved us from our storage units into our house in about 4 hours. Not to mention that my entire kitchen was unpacked and put away in that process. Jason's family stocked our kitchen so we were able to start cooking at home right away. It was such a thoughtful and really really wonderful gift. This is the exact reason we returned to GJ - not because we have friends and family that do things for us but because we have friends and family who love us and want to help us despite having busy lives of their own. This has been a wonderful but also difficult transition back. 

The wonderful: First and foremost, WILLIE NELSON!! So happy to be reunited. Now for the rest of the wonderfulness... Jason was hired on at St. Mary's and started on December 21. This was a big day for us as Jason has been working up to a new career for some time and it finally became a reality! Go Jason!! Due to the holidays, he gets a soft start which is helpful in transitioning back into work. I interviewed with the VA hospital for a Time and Leave Clerk position on December 21 and was offered the job that day. Go me! While this position is not my dream job, it does have some dreamy qualities - health benefits and the unrestricted use of the label maker. It is another federal position for me so I will have all of my sick leave restored as well as similar pay despite it being at a lower grade. I don't start for a few weeks which is helpful in getting fully unpacked. We spent the holidays in Montrose and were able to see most of Jason's immediate family. We ate amazing food, played cards, loved on each other and of course played non-stop with the nieces and nephews. Love love love those kiddos. And we saw Star Wars!

The difficult: I have such conflicting feelings and it is hard to manage them at times. Yes, I am excited to be home and have an awesome new house (despite having to sink a chunk of change into the water pipes). Yes, I am thrilled to see family and friends. But here is the hard part... the guest bedroom was suppose to be a baby room. This Christmas I was suppose to give Jason baby related gifts and vice versa. Seeing friends was suppose to be filled with heart-felt congratulations instead of not knowing what to say so nothing is said. I am happy to see friends and I want to bust out crying. I feel selfish for talking about what I am feeling. What do I do in this situation? I don't want to make people uncomfortable by talking about my heartache and people don't talk about what has happened - but why? I have been so open with everything but I have to realize that people just don't know what to say or don't want to bring it up for fear of causing more pain or it is a topic they just are not comfortable discussing. I understand that it is an uncomfortable topic but a simple acknowledgement goes a long way. On the flip side, I have had many women reach out to me and share their heartache. Women I hardly know offering words of encouragement and understanding  and just because I am an open book doesn't mean that I can expect everyone else to be. I am still feeling all the feelings about my miscarriage and infertility and if someone brings it up and I start crying it is another step on my journey to heal. So don't worry that you are causing more heartache - you aren't. You are helping me to be heard and feel what I need to feel so I can heal. No one should read this and feel obligated to say anything or bad if they haven't - I just want to share my feelings so I can try and heal.

The plan: We do have a plan. The clinic in Prague is looking for an egg donor match. She will take all of the medications and her eggs will be retrieved and fertilized with Jason's sperm that they have frozen at the clinic. After testing them, I will return for about a week and a half to Prague for a FET (frozen embryo transfer) sometime hopefully in late February early March depending on when my periods return to normal after the miscarriage. I now know I can get pregnant so now we just need to find the one that will stick. 

xo -katherine

The unabridged story

Dear family and friends,

Below you will find the full story of my miscarriage - including all of the very explicit details as well as a photograph of my gestational sac and placenta. Do not feel as though you need to read the full story and you have been warned about the photograph. What you need to know is that I took a drug called cytotec to induce the miscarriage so that it wouldn't occur while I was traveling on a train or plane. I asked a dear friend her miscarriage story and she told me her unabridged story and for that I am so thankful. Her story clued me in to the need to have this process happen in the comfort of my own home (or in an AirBNB in Spain). I took the drug around 3pm on December 3 and the miscarriage occurred just before midnight. I felt immediate relief after passing the placenta and gestational sac and am feeling better and better each day. We are so thankful for all of the support and I in turn hope that if someone comes searching for what might happen to them if they are experiencing a miscarriage, that this full story can help them prepare for what is to come. Some may think that the photograph is taking it a bit too far but I had no idea what to expect and I was shocked when it happened so I hope all of this can provide help and support to other women. 

We are so excited to be headed home this Saturday and are currently in London with one of my dearest friends - Jessica and her husband and sweet girls as well as her brother Jonathan aka Scruff. We are having a wonderful time and soaking up the friend love. 

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The full story:

On December 3, Jason and I went to the maternity hospital in Malaga, Spain. There was no indication that I was going to have a natural miscarriage any time soon and as I said above, I am so thankful for being encouraged to take action before traveling around the world. At the hospital, the doctor confirmed (again) with an ultrasound that there was not a heartbeat and explained our options - waiting for it to naturally occur, having a D&C (where they put you under anesthesia and scrape out the inside of your uterus), or taking cytotec which will cause the body to abort the baby. I really just wanted it over and went in knowing my options and wanting to have a D&C. The doctor said that it is much better on the body to do it naturally via cytotec so we decided to go that route. All he said was that it would take a few hours for the drug to kick in and that it would be like a heavy period. So we left the hospital and headed back to our AirBnb apartment to get the process started. I had done some reading on what to expect and how to prepare myself with supplies such as pain reliever, hot water bottle and pads ect. Jason went out and got a pizza (for later) and some "Gatorade" and we felt as ready as we could be. Here is the timeline:

15:15 - Took the cytotec vaginally. The doctor instructed me to wet the pills before inserting them - so I did that and we sat down to watch a movie and wait.

15:45 - I took a pain pill given to me by my doctor in Prague. I had read to make sure to stay on top of taking pain meds so that the pain didn't become overwhelming. 

16:00 - I started to experience slight cramps - similar to when I first start my period.

17:00 - Very faint brown spotting, slightly more intense cramps and nausea.

18:00 - Cramps ramping up to full pain period cramps. No more spotting and no blood at all. I did however poop a lot. I think my body was getting ready.

18:45 - Cramps were debilitating. I was moaning out loud for about an hour. There was nothing I could do to relieve the pain. I tried sitting on the toilet, walking around, rocking back and forth, using the hot water bottle, breathing though the pain and into the pain (I could hardly take a full breath and felt like I was hyperventilating) Jason tried to massage my back, hold my hand, I listened to loud rhythmic music -- NOTHING worked. I told Jason that I didn't think I could do it. I wanted to go to the hospital but there was no way I could make the trip.

19:50 - While moaning on the couch, my mouth filled with saliva and I sprinted toward the toilet and violently threw up. Jason says that I wasn't able to take a breath for about a minute because I was uncontrollably vomiting. He might have been a little worried at that point. From there, the constant contractions let up and I had a break of a minute or two in between contractions.  Even though the period cramps were still there between the contractions, I actually dozed off between contractions - I was exhausted.

20:30 - Jason convinced me to take some Aleve. I am afraid of drugs and was afraid to mix the medicine that my doc gave me (which did absolutely NOTHING) with Aleve. But Jason persisted and I needed pain relief. 

21:30 - Contractions were few and far between and the cramps were like heavy period cramps. We decided to resume our movie to take my mind off of the pain.

22:00 - First gush of blood and clots.

22:45 - Heavy cramps continue, no more blood.

23:15 - Ate a piece of pizza as I felt completely depleted. Just after it felt like my vagina was going to split open (different from the uterine contractions).

23:45 - Pain in vagina was intense and sitting on the toilet seemed to help. Thick blood started pouring out as well as clots of blood. Something white came out - turned out to be one of the cytotec pills. More blood but not as much as I expected and then there was a loud plop in the toilet. I fished out the mass and it was a clump of tissue and the gestational sac. Before this, I kept looking to see if I could discern what was what but this was obviously the gestational sac. It was a clear/grayish fluid filled sac and the embryo could be seen floating in the fluid as well as a clump of tissue attached - I assume placenta. I immediately felt better. The pain lessened and from there it was mostly like a normal period. I did wear a Depends to sleep in because I was still expecting more blood and I didn't want to bleed everywhere. AND this was nothing like a heavy period. I had a mini labor and I assume that taking cytotec is somewhat like taking pitocin to induce labor - where the pain comes on fast and furious. I wish that I had stronger pain meds or some natural breathing techniques to deal with the pain.

Over the next 48 hrs I passed more tissue and experienced more intense pain around that time. Occasionally I would randomly have intense contractions. In general, I would say that my uterus felt like someone had drop kicked it. I experienced some pain while peeing and pooping  for the next few days and had really bad intestinal cramps. 

On Sunday I went back to the hospital to confirm that everything had passed and indeed it had. I bled for a total of 6 days and still continue to spot although it is hardly noticeable now. It was a crazy experience and although I felt like I was prepared - I don't think anything could have really prepared me for that experience. Jason, as always, was so supportive and took such good care of me. This process has been extremely hard on us but fortunately, it has brought us closer together and I really couldn't wish for a better husband. We have a plan moving forward but I will save that for another blog post. Much love.  

*************************WARNING, graphic photo below*****************************

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No easy way to say this...

We went in for an ultrasound this morning where we discovered that fetal growth stopped about 10 days ago and there was no longer a heartbeat - it is called a missed miscarriage.. We are devastated. We have decided to allow the miscarriage to happen naturally.  I will discontinue taking all of my medications and that should clue my body in on what has happened - may take a few days, may take a week or more. Thank you for all of the love and support we have received through this process. That is all I have for now.

Heartbeat

I will start by saying that we got to see the heartbeat today!! But now I am going to back-track on the hardest 4 days ever.

On Monday we went in for our first ultrasound at 6 weeks and 1 day. The doctor was able to see one gestational sac and a yolk sac. He said that he expected to see more at this point (fetal pole and heartbeat) and suggested that it was probably a blighted ovum with a missed miscarriage. Cue the water works. WHAT!?! Basically he believed that after implantation the babe didn't develop. He discussed the options suggesting we could have a d&c (where they scrape put the inside of your uterus) vs medications vs natural.  He made us an appointment for a follow-up ultrasound at his private clinic for Friday (6 weeks 5 days) to determine if there was any growth. So, from Monday afternoon until Friday afternoon we had no idea what was happening. Was I still pregnant? Yes, I hadn't miscarried but was the babe still growing? I wanted so bad to believe but I was terrified of what the doctor discussed. After much research, I discovered that at the 6 week stage there is a large range of what can been seen. Often just a few days makes a big difference. I also experienced some major anger at the doctor suggesting this so early on as technically a blighted ovum can't be officially diagnosed until the gestational sac has reached 25mm and then a week after that if an ultrasound shows no growth. I was nowhere close to that. BUT with IVF dates and such are more certain so I get that he expected to see more. Not to mention that dating protocols can differ greatly in the first few weeks depending on who you ask.

The babe is rapidly changing as we found out today. Babe measured 4mm about the size of a sweet pea! The dating the doctor gave was 6 weeks 1 day - so about 4 days behind schedule BUT other medical sites have suggested that this is right on target. He also mentioned that the yolk sac is slightly large at 5mm and again this value is right on the border. The most important thing is that we saw and HEARD the heartbeat!! Really really amazing. We have another ultrasound scheduled for November 30 and at that point I'll be 9 weeks and 1 day. 

The black space below  is the gestational sac and the round part is the 

yolk sac and where the arrow is pointing is the babe!

I have experienced all sorts of symptoms... they come and go. I have the nose of a bloodhound and some pretty strong food aversions. I have been really tired and dizzy. And man, my boobs HURT!! I have had waves of nausea but nothing too bad but my gas is horrid!! Honestly, I'll take all the symptoms because they mean I am pregnant!! 

xo - katherine

Jsme těhotná is Czech for WE ARE PREGNANT!!

Let me back track a bit. I usually spot before my period and on Thursday I had a little spotting so I thought that I was out for this cycle but then it went away. Friday, riding the public transport felt like bring your worst smells with you day. Saturday, I woke up at 7am and took the pregnancy test and I didn't see a line right away - already feeling defeated because of the spotting, my heart sank. After I finished in the bathroom, I looked again and there was a faint line. WHAT!? Jason was still sleeping so I crawled back upstairs and said I need you to look at this because I think there is a line. He was groggy but I turned the lights on anyway and he said the line isn't as dark as the other one and that I should wait until tomorrow to test again. PSHA!! I ran downstairs and took the other pregnancy test and it was immediately positive!! I showed Jason and he agreed that it was definitely positive. And then I cried. Like sobbed. And Jason asked if they were happy tears (because although he didn't say it, I was ugly crying.) Once the tears ran out, I was in shock. This was the moment we have been waiting for but I wasn't quite sure I could believe it. We called the doctors office and went in for a blood test at 10am - it was Saturday but the nurse said that she would rush it so we could find out later that day. At 3pm she called and said the blood test is positive (I'M PREGNANT!!) and my hCG was at 107 (which is good because it was only 8 days after the transfer of our 2, 5-day old frosties) 

Now in a normal pregnancy, that would be it until your first ultrasound at around 10 weeks or so but with IVF they usually check your beta (hCG) a few times to me make sure your numbers are doubling properly. So within 48-72hrs the beta should at least double. This morning (48hrs after the first blood test) we went in and had my blood drawn again. The nurse called us an hour ago and said my hCG was at 462!! What a relief!! I am not sure that I'm going to feel safe for awhile - usually people wait to announce pregnancies after they are past 12 weeks due to miscarriage rates being higher before then but as we have been blogging, we can't and don't want to keep this a secret. WE ARE REALLY PREGNANT!! I really am in shock still. I keep announcing to Jason every so often that I am pregnant. And he has decided to start calling me "baby mama" - it is so silly but I don't care. So far, other than most things smelling bad, the other symptoms I have are sore boobs (ouch!!), feeling queasy, and one bout of vertigo and general dizziness. The vertigo happened on Sunday morning and I thought Jason was lifting the mattress and dumping me out of bed like a dump truck would do. I woke him up because I was yelling whoa! whoa!! Glad I haven't had that again!! But I'll take the slew of crazy pregnancy symptoms because it just confirms the pregnancy!!

From the bottom of our hearts, thank you so much for your support through this whole process. It has been a long road and while it has been hard sharing all of our struggles, I am happy to share some joy. We will keep posting updates as we will go in for an ultrasound in a few weeks to find out how many babies are in there! We'll be thrilled with one, two or three!! Estimated due date: July 3, 2016.

So much love - katherine

Try to be pregnant this time

As of this morning, we had 3 frozen embryos and the doctor suggested we select the best 2 for a FET (frozen embryo transfer) and those are the two from my eggs. This morning I called at 8am to see if both made it through the thaw. The woman I talked to on the phone said call back at 9am and we will know then. Know what?! I tried to get her to explain why we needed to wait an hour -- were they not looking good?? I waited for the English speaking embryologist and she said she was about to thaw them now so we would know in a hour. Whew!! At 9am I called and she said both looked good after the thaw and to come in at 10:30am. Yay!!!!!  This is an non-stimulation cycle but not to worry I still have plenty of drugs to take. They decided to hit me with all of the drugs this cycle to help my chances of becoming pregnant. I've been taking Prednisone once a day -- it is meant to help the body accept the embryo and not fight it off as if it were an intruder. I did a trigger shot Saturday night to induce ovulation (which occurs 36 hrs after the shot) so they would know when I ovulated because they want the FET to occur 5 days after ovulation. Now I have started taking the max dose of progesterone as well as added estrogen 3x/d. After the transfer, I will have daily injections of Fraxaparine, a blood thinner, that should help to prevent any clotting. The transfer went smoothly this morning and the doctor said to me -- try to be pregnant this time. It was very sweet and funny because of her word choice. She also printed an ultrasound picture after the transfer and said, now come back in 3 weeks and get another one! I want to say that I feel really hopeful (and part of me is) but also I am scared that this is not going to work but I am doing my best to stay positive. We keep joking that we could end up with triplets as we transferred 2 frosties and we also tried the old fashioned way this cycle as the egg wasn't collected after ovulation. Now THAT would be crazy!!

Our two blastocysts before transfer.

The red circle is where the 2 blastocysts are located (the bright white spot). See larger picture below.

The darker circle is my uterus/ uterine lining. And the bright white dot is where they are located. The white color is the media and air from placing them.

In other news, we are still torturing ourselves with the autoimmune diet and as an added bonus, we've both lost weight -- Jason lost 10 lbs since starting the diet (a total of 25 lbs since leaving home!!) and I've lost 8 lbs. Get ready for TMI -- although all the drugs are making me constipated so it should be more... We cheated a bit on my birthday and today for lunch because we didn't want to break our transfer ritual of eating french fries. Man were they yummy!!! Jason has been looking for jobs and has a promising lead in GJ. We miss our family and friends and would really love to go back to GJ. I found a house that I fell in love with and our friend Val went and looked at it for us while we FaceTimed her. It's tiny and adorable and perfect for us to start a family in but we didn't get it. I was pretty devastated - still am. It's hard to explain, but that house gave me something to look forward to. I could see Jason and I living there and our day to day life. The current owners have a child so the 2nd bedroom is set up for a nursery. It gave me something I could be excited for regardless of our outcome here. I keep hoping that somehow that house can be ours. We have a back-up contract in place so if anything happens with the first one then we could get it but it is unlikely. I've looked at other houses but nothing calls to me like that one and definitely not enough to put in an offer while not actually being there. I will say that I had been in the house a few years ago so I had a general feeling of what it was like. Speaking of coming home, we booked our tickets for our return and arrive the evening of December 14!! 

For now, I am taking it easy after the transfer. Keeping my feet warm (warm feet = warm uterus) and planning to eat a whole pineapple over the next 5 days (core and all). There is something in the pineapple that is suppose to help with implantation. I am willing to try anything!! For real. We are still soliciting love, well wishes, lighting of the candles, prayers and any other goodness you can send our way.

xo - katherine

Take #5

Another failed cycle. The emotions are overwhelming. I've, for the most part, been pulling back from everyone because I just don't want to feel what I am feeling. Jason gets to see the full range of emotions and it is probably not fair to him for me to be closing myself off from my friends and family.  It feels like he is the only one that really understands because he is going through it too (although logically I know that many people can relate even if they have never been though this themselves). At the same time, I just want to go home. I want to go back to the way things were. I want to see my friends, go for bike rides, go to book club, have dinner with the family. I want to have my job back and have a purpose. I want to walk Willie Nelson and have him snuggle with me on the couch. We came here saying - well, if it doesn't work , then at least we'll have an amazing experience. That has been true. We have had an amazing experience but currently my will to go explore has been less and less. I just want to go home.

Despite wanting to go home, I want more to have a baby. So I am taking control of what I can in my life. Here are a few ways I feel like I can. I have a few autoimmune issues and I am wondering if that might be one of the reasons that I haven't gotten pregnant. Autoimmune issues are complex and I'm not even going to pretend to understand how it all works but there is some suggestion that diet plays into autoimmune disease - and that I can control. I found a great website that explains the Auto Immune Protocol. The following explanation is from her website. It is basically paleo eating so no grains, no legumes, no dairy, no refined sugars, no modern vegetable oils, no processed food chemicals. A few other important factors are avoiding excessive salt, refined sugars, too many carbohydrates (but this doesn’t need to be a low carb diet!) and also trying to balance omega-3 vs. omega-6 fatty acid intake. But in addition, for the autoimmune protocol, I will completely avoid:

Eggs (especially the whites)
Nuts
Seeds (including cocoa, coffee and seed-based spices)
Nightshades (potatoes, tomatoes, eggplants, sweet and hot peppers, cayenne, red pepper, tomatillos, goji berries etc. and spices derived from peppers, including paprika)
Potential Gluten Cross-Reactive Foods
Fructose consumption in excess of 20g per day
Alcohol
NSAIDS (like aspirin or ibuprofen)
Non-nutritive sweeteners (yes, all of them, even stevia)
Emulsifiers, thickeners, and other food additives

Now I am sure that many of you are thinking this is a bunch of BS but I don't really care. It makes me feel like I am DOING something. And maybe, just maybe, it will help. In addition, I asked my doctor about having my Natural Killer cells (NK cells) tested to see if they are elevated. If they are then it is possible that my body is attacking the embryo -which would prevent implantation. I am not sure how to override this (if that is what is happening) but as it is related to autoimmune issues hopefully the change in diet will help the issue.

If you have any recipes to send me please do!! I am sure that I will get so bored eating this way. The hardest part will be the nightshades. I LOVE tomatoes and spicy peppers and not having those is going to suck. That and no more chocolate croissants. Boohoo.

So what else do people do when they feel like they have no control in their lives..... they cut their hair!! I haven't done it yet but I am planning to in the next week. I am thinking shoulder length hair and maybe some side bangs or something? Any thoughts? Send pics!! Seriously. I am doing it soon.

Ok, so the other way in which we are taking control is by lining up a donor for eggs. The one donor blastocyst that we currently have frozen was from a donor oocyte that was thawed and fertilized with Jason's sperm. This is not usually how it is done. Normally, they find a donor that matches the selected criteria (blood type, height, weight, ect.) and then she goes on the stimulation medications. All of the mature eggs retrieved from her are then fertilized with Jason's sperm and from there the process is the same (and usually there are a lot more to freeze for future cycles). I imagine that will happen for the following cycle. For this cycle, we will thaw one of the eggs I produced and the one from the donor. (We ended up having 2 eggs I produced frozen as an additional egg caught up and was good enough to freeze (yay)) If those both survive the thawing process we'll go with those two, if not then we will thaw the third one that I produced and hopefully transfer that one.

So that is the update. I am so thankful for all the messages, emails, and FaceTime calls we've received. I have been a bad friend and sister and am going to make an effort to reach out more. It is difficult because I want to reach out and I think I might explode all at the same time.

This is a picture of a dog at a shop in Rome. It makes me happy.

xo - katherine

Feeling hopeful.

Just to recap what we learned on Tuesday - there were 8 fertilized embryos from my eggs and 4 fertilized donor embryos. On Thursday (day 3 of embryonic development) we called and were told that all 12 of the embryos were either a Grade 1 or 2. Fabulous news. Friday they told us that quite a few had not made it and that a few were slow growing. All in all we had a total of 4 embryos - 3 were from my eggs and one was from the donor. The 2 best looking embryos were from my eggs and they were a Grade 1 and the other 2 (one from my eggs and the one donor were Grade 2). The rest they said they would keep in the growth medium and see if they might catch up. We expected that they all wouldn't make it as it is common for about only 1/3 of embryos to make it to the blastocyst stage. But the good news is that those that do make it are far more likely to result in a live birth.

This morning the numbers were the same but they were now blastocysts and were told to come in at 11:45 for the transfer. How exciting!! We decided to use embryo glue and assisted hatching for this cycle in hope of improving our chances. Now the next question was which blastocyst(s) to transfer? We already knew that we wanted to transfer 2 and at the suggestion of the embryologist, we decided to transfer the two Grade 1 embryos. We were warned that this might result in twins... (are some people surprised when they have twins after transferring two embryos?) The other two blastocysts will be frozen for the possibility of a future cycle.

Usually Jason has to wait in the room while I go for the transfer but this time he got to go with me. Our doctor came back from Moravia early so that he could do our transfer and we were the last transfer for the day so he invited Jason to come see the procedure. This was really special for us as that meant he got to hold my hand and see the blastocysts on the screen before they were transferred.

This is not the best picture of our two blastocysts but there they are!

We are feeling very hopeful for this cycle so keep lighting candles and sending love our way!!

xo- katherine

Holy cannoli!

On Monday we went in for the egg retrieval and they retrieved TWELVE eggs!! Holy cannoli! I can't believe it!!! My body kicked into gear. No wonder I was so sore and bloated. Today we called and 9 of the 12 eggs were mature and of those, EIGHT fertilized! In addition, we have 4 donor eggs that also fertilized, just in case. We are so excited and little in disbelief. We have more of our own fertilized embryo's this cycle than total eggs retrieved up until this cycle. Crazy.

Now we wait. We'll call back on Thursday to see the grading of the embryo's and a general update on their development. I believe we will probably wait until Saturday for the transfer as that will be day 5 but we will see.

Thank you for all the love and prayers and positive energy that has been sent our way - keep it coming!! We are hopeful that this will be our cycle!!

xo- katherine

Seven is my favorite number

About 3 weeks ago, after we found out that we didn't have an embryo for our last cycle, we had a meeting with the doc to make plans for the following cycle. We discussed using donor oocytes as the number of eggs I've been producing has been quite low. They clinic has frozen oocytes that can be unthawed and fertilized with Jason's sperm so we went through the list and selected the best donor with 6 available oocytes - she had a compatible blood type, somewhat similar height/weight, with brown hair and green eyes. We decided that we would do a blended cycle where I would do another medicated cycle and we would transfer one of my eggs and one of the donor eggs. There is a lower success rate with frozen oocytes but it gives us the opportunity for a blended transfer. So, after that meeting we got the meds for the cycle and headed out on holiday with our friend, Todd.

After a week of the stimulation injections and returning to Prague after a world-wind vacation, we went in on day 8 for our ultrasound to see how the follicles were looking and I had SEVEN follicles!!! We have never seen more than 2 follicles on our ultrasound. We are so excited and hopeful for this cycle. It must  have been the waters of Luscice bay on Hvar island in Croatia that is known to have fertility powers.

 In the past we have retrieved the eggs on day 10 but this cycle I am staying on meds longer so all the follicles can mature. That means that on Monday, day 13 of my cycle, we will retrieve the eggs and fertilize them along with the donor eggs. As long as we have 2 of our own embryo's then we will transfer only those. If we have less than 2 of our own then we will add in a donor embryo. Either way we are really excited for this cycle. 

I do have to say that I'm scared to transfer a donor embryo. I have so many different feelings surrounding this part of the process... I really want to be a mother and I am thrilled that we have this option. But I still have random thoughts like what if when the child finds out about the donor eggs (as we are being completely transparent with this process) that he/she will hate me. Or worse, what if I feel differently than I should as a parent. Logically, I know that it will all work out just fine and I'll be a great mother to any child but that doesn't meant that these thoughts don't cross my mind and keep me awake some nights. Mostly though, we are so thrilled and I really feel like this cycle will be the one. We will know more on Tuesday as far as how many eggs fertilized and when the transfer will likely occur so stay tuned and send us your love!

xo -katherine

Getting out of bed

Thursday morning, we called to check on our embryo and to find out when we should come in for the transfer - unfortunately, the embryologist informed us that the egg didn't fertilize. She did say that they would continue to watch it for another 24hrs just to be sure. This morning she confirmed the results and said the cycle was canceled. 

What a blow. I had such a good feeling about this cycle. For one, it was a natural cycle so my body wouldn't be all jacked up on hormones and might be more willing to accept the embryo. Then there is the old saying - third time's a charm! (I'll grasp onto anything at this point.) But mostly, I thought about the wonderful outpouring of support and love we have received. I was thinking of all the candles being lit. Of all the prayers and positive energy being sent our way. I asked people to take time out of their lives to hold space for our baby to be - surely the universe wouldn't disappoint.  

And yet, there I lay, sobbing in my bed after hearing the news from the embryologist. I cried and Jason held me. After awhile, I stopped crying and Jason got up to make us smoothies. I was sad and angry and trying to make sense of why this was happening. I proceeded to lay in bed and read my book, cry, and wonder what will happen if we never get pregnant. I got out of bed when Jason made us lunch and cleaned the dishes after (so I didn't feel completely worthless) and then hopped right back in bed and proceeded to repeat the mornings activities - read, cry, wonder. Late in the afternoon I decided to get out of bed and shower - my heart was tired and my body hurt from all the laying around. You would think after doing nothing all day I would have a lot of energy to burn but I just felt exhausted. I needed to get out of the house so we decided to go to the movies. I ended the day with some heart nurturing yoga and vowed that tomorrow I would get out of bed.

I realize that yesterday wasn't filled with a lot of nothing - it was filled with a lot of grieving. Jason says he feels disappointed about this cycle but remains hopeful and I vacillate between feeling completely hopeless and feeling like no matter what happens, I will be ok.  I am not ready to completely give up on my dream of being pregnant and becoming a mother but I also feel like I need to prepare myself for that possibility.

I feel the need to end this post on a positive note so that it is not so depressing for others to read, so that people don't feel uncomfortable, so that I can project this strong image of myself but I feel sad and depressed and I do want to crawl back in bed. Honestly, this blog has become a way for me to process my emotions and this is where I am right now. However, I will keep my vow to not crawl back into bed. 

I can't say thank you enough for all the love and support we have received. Each and every comment, message, phone call, and text are greatly appreciated.

xo - katherine

Light a candle

We had 2 ultrasounds this week and were told we had 2 follicles from our natural (un-medicated) cycle. We were thrilled! This morning we went in for the egg retrieval. I found out upon arrival that it would be done while I was awake - read, no anesthesia. Yikes! Upon entering the procedure room I told the doctor I was scared and then I started crying. The procedure started out with  a vaginal wash (fyi - it is totally weird having someone wash your vagina inside and out, especially when they squirt water up there). The doctor then inserted the vaginal ultrasound probe (with a retractable needle!!!) and the real procedure began. The sweet nurse that speaks no English came over and held my hand while I looked at the ultrasound screen. I felt a stick and squealed as I watched the black space mostly disappear on the screen. Then she poked several times (OUCH!) at the remaining black space and seemed to struggle - the whole thing lasted maybe 1 minute. She said the tissue was abnormal and there was no follicle - it was a cyst. A little lost in translation - I thought for about 30 seconds that there was nothing at all, as in it was all abnormal. So I cried harder. Then the sweet nurse excitedly repeated what the embryologist announced (I can only assume as she was speaking Czech) and the doctor translated to say that she retrieved one egg from the first follicle. Relief. Then, I proceeded to sob. The doctor asked if I was in pain; I said no, I just really want to have a baby.

So now we wait. This whole process has felt like a lot of anxious, emotional waiting. Waiting to see if I have eggs, waiting to see if they fertilize, waiting to see if they develop normally, waiting to see if I am pregnant. It is all completely out of my control, there is nothing I can do. I was FaceTiming with my sister-in-law, Elaine, and she asked if she could light a candle and say a little prayer to the Patron Saint of Infertility, St Anthony - that way she felt like she was doing something - I said, yes please!! We decided to copy her idea (even though we are not Catholic) and light a candle and send a little wish off. So, if you have time, light a candle and hold space for our baby to be.

xo - katherine

ps - expect a blog update soon on our most recent travels to Germany, France, Belgium and the Netherlands.

Nope.

Not pregnant. Again. 

The doc wants to give my body a break from all the hormones so we'll do a "natural" IVF cycle. This means that I won't take any hormones but they will still go in a retrieve any follicles I produce and go through the whole fertilization/embryo transfer process. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm being bombarded by babies and happy parents. On our last 3 trains we shared a 4 seater with these parents and smiling, cooing, and fussy babies. I am truly so happy for the pregnant women in my life and yet I am jealous. I want it to be me. I know everyone says be patient, this will happen, your time will come, blah blah blah. Don't get me wrong, I love the support but I am over the heartache. 

I might be akin to the crazy cat lady... I bought a sweet onesie in Prague and these adorable baby socks while we were on the northern coast of France - they say J'❤️ Papa and J'❤️ Maman. Jason just smiles and tells me they're adorable. 

xo - katherine

Waiting and waiting.

Our little blastocyst.

A video showing the normal development of an embryo, not mine.

On Saturday, we retrieved 3 eggs. 

On Sunday we found out 2 were immature and the third fertilized. We were told to call on Monday at 8am to find out what time the transfer would be that day. 

On Monday our one embryo was only 3 cells and we were told that it was not developing fast enough and to call back on Tuesday. They said it was a grade 2 embryo (grade 1 is the best). 

Tuesday we were told that the embryo was still growing but only at 5 cells so to call back on Wednesday but we would not transfer until Thursday. 

On Wednesday we called and were told that the embryo was 8 cells but that it should be 16 cells by now. It had started to compact which was a good sign. They said it was bordering between a grade 2 and 3 - not a good sign. The embryologist did say that embryos can repair themselves and go on to develop into healthy babies. She also mentioned that we may not transfer until Friday... 

This morning I called and she said - I have good news! - it is in the early stages of a blastocyst so we will transfer today. What a relief! This means that we have a chance to become pregnant this cycle. The blastocyst is still bordering between a 2 and a 3 but many healthy babies have born with this grading.

The waiting has been so hard!!! It is all hard.  I already feel so attached to this glob of cells. I want them to grow and develop into a tiny human. There are moments (or long periods of time) where I feel like I will never become a mother, where I feel the darkness creeping in, where I let the doubt take over. My modus operandi is to shut down and put up walls in order to not feel. Many of you know that I have experienced the loss of both of my parents. My mother was murdered when I was 8 - an unsolved murder - though a serial killer is suspected, it is a cold case. And my father died when I was 18 and the cause of his death has been questioned. I am not sure if I could have done anything differently during that time - shutting down was an act of self preservation. I had to be strong to get through. Now though, I have so many loving people in my life that I can let those walls down without fear of being swallowed up by the darkness. It does not come naturally to me however. It actually feels quite uncomfortable at times. I will confess that I am emotionally stunted and often revert to acting like an 8 year old. But there are people in my life that love me in spite of these faults and continually help show me what it means to love and be loved. Several women came to mind while I was waiting for the embryo retrieval on Saturday - Rachel from Camp Glen Arden, Kimi from boarding school, and Cheryl from Prescott. I am not in close contact with these women today but for some reason I am still surrounded by the love they showed me all those years ago. 

I want so badly to be a mother - there are many reasons why and one of them is wanting to know what the love of a mother feels like. I don't have real memories of my mother but I am told that she loved me very much. It feels like being a mother will complete the circle. That I will somehow know her love for me by feeling love for my own child. If the love I feel for a glob of cells is any indication of what is to come, it is quite possible that my heart might explode.

After the phone call this morning, Jason went for a run and I listened to a few guided meditations and practiced yoga to help prepare my body. One of the meditations asked me to picture in my mind's eye our family after the birth. I could see us so clearly - Jason, myself and our baby. I will hold that image with me and believe that it will be. I could not do this without Jason, he loves me so much - even all jacked up on hormones. 

And now, we wait some more. 2 weeks to be exact. Hopefully northern France will be a good distraction. From there, I think we will head to Denmark by way of Belgium and the Netherlands. First though, we will spend 2 days in Frankfurt so Jason can take his test for his radiographer registry.

Send all the good energy you can to our little blastocyst in my uterus (I have created a song where blastocyst and uterus rhyme - it is quite catchy.)

xo - katherine

p.s. Our long term visa application was approved! We waited to apply until we were in Europe. A bit risky but that's our style.

The folli update, a heat wave, and the bone church.

We had an ultrasound at 3pm today to see how the little follicles are growing. The doctor was able to see 2 decent sized follicles as well as a third smaller one.  Hopefully that means there will be a few more to extract on Saturday. From there, I think that we will go with the same plan as before - to do a fresh transfer of the fertilized embryo(s). There is a lot of research surrounding a fresh transfer versus a frozen transfer. For one, those that survive the freezing/thawing process are heartier embryos but also some research shows that it is best to perform the transfer the next cycle so that your body isn't inundated with hormones. My doctor has felt with my poor response to medications that the embryo has the best chance of surviving in my uterus. We will wait and see how many are extracted and of those how many fertilize and make a decision from there. Trying to remain hopeful and not stress out. Fingers crossed.

Several things seems to be causing me a bit of discomfort/anxiety/stress this cycle: 1. It is HOT 2. I have had a headache every single day (must be from the medications?) 3. I am exhausted (also from the medications?) 4. Did I mention the heat 5. Lack of exercise 6. I lost my remote, part-time job (STRESSFUL!!).

Our flat manages to not get too hot during the day - maybe up to 26C (79F) and the temp out side is about 35C (95F), add in a little humidity and I feel like my skin is melting off. The Czechs have a thing for zmrzlina (ice cream). It is sold everywhere and it is delicious! I swear I feel like rubbing it all over my face (I am so HOT!)  We have been getting outside in the morning to beat the heat and running (Jason) and walking (Katherine). I can't run while on the medications due to possible ovarian torsion and I can't run after embryo transfer for a week. So that leaves me one week a month where I can run. I am not a natural runner so this is not really allowing for a great workout schedule for me. Jason, on the other hand, is running 5 days a week and plans to run a marathon while we are here. Go Jason! I had planned on finding a pool where I could swim laps for exercise but with the lack of income it seems like an unnecessary expense so for now I will just continue to walk. Today we took the metro out to a forested area of Prague for a hike in Kunraticky and Michelsky forests. The wooded area is 700 acres of protected land with numerous trails criss-crossing all over the place and almost completely shaded. We walked the perimeter loop - 9K (5.5 miles)  - to get the lay of the land. There are a few marked trails but mostly they are not.  We'll for sure head back there and explore the area more.  

Earlier this week we took a train to a nearby city, Kunta Hora. The main attraction is the Sedlec Ossuary aka the Bone Church. It is decorated with the bones of over 40,000 people. Kinda creepy and kinda cool. We also visited 2 other gothic style churches - one being a cathedral type. I took my nice camera in an attempt to take some photographs and not just snapshots.

The chandelier contains every bone in the human skeleton.

This is what the church looks like from above the huge vaulted ceiling.

I had no idea that bricks were used!

The woodwork is astounding.

Jason is also astounding.